They are back!

Parents and Shulamite came back yesterday noon, right on my birthday ofcourse. I was so excited, it's just unexplainable! but, Ofcourse, I was sick, I never actually really get sick, but of all the days in my life, my birthday was the day, and so I was sick, still am, and so are 4 other people in the house.

It's preaty much cheerful to my surprise, the house is pumping with unending Christmas-like spirit in the atmosphere. I'm really happy. 

It feels so good to be loved. The kind of strong sincere love that fills you up to love others more. 

Shulamite, two years old, my little lovely sister, who feels more like a daughter. She's back...

We were painting a huge picture today..clouds, rain, airplane, ocean, lots of colorful people, birds, a guitar, balloons, and a shark. It's the most beautiful piece of art work I've seen in a while. Shula changed so much, and grew up. She is starting to talk and listen, and she is so incredibly polite! I was surprised, especially after some not-so-polite-or-diciplined- kids the whole week before. 

I don't even know how I'm going to let parents go away again in month..no way. 

People who can't wait to get out of the house and live separately from their family and parents, they aren't people, they're just immature kids who haven't lived life yet.

 I'm so glad they are back from Ukraine, I never realized how much I missed them untill now, I always thought how sufficient I am, or I'd busy myself with something, but now.....

now I'm just butter melting apart. In a good way

finish up

There comes a time when I look back at what I did, what I said, what I wrote, and I can't express how much it it annoys me...it seems so senseless after a while...
Especially when you see yourself from another aspect, from a different view.
what I've been going through this week...I probably won't mention here, or to anyone, but I'm so glad to go through this right before my birthday, it's such a kick into a reality, eye opener.
So basiclly all these splitting headaches and the rest are worth it.
Can't wait to finish this all up, and no more kids for me, for a while..by the way, as I type this a 3 year old Asher is helping me, cough, type, this.

my birthday wish

The month of February makes me write so much...must be my birthday coming, the only way I could ever explain it...
Although on the other hand, my birthday means nothing much to me. It's more how I live that new year in my life and where it'll take me, higher or lower. And the day of it, doesn't really matter as much, as that new year. New Year and my birthday are like two exact same holidays for me, which I like as much as I don't like.
At least change excites me... hoping God will move through me like never before...and my birthday wish? I want God to speak to me, through dreams, visions, for me to clearly hear God's voice.. that would be all I want for my birthday, this new year in life.

opposite way

I vow to speak the truth and nothing but the truth. And if I will be speaking truthfully, than I wish people would do the same and not leave others in clouds of confusion.
Last night was good, sometimes its so good to just get out of your surroundings and go the opposite way for a while. Than comes a time when you go back to those hundreds of daily tasks that need to be done, that go unnoticed, but if you don't do them, they will go noticed, in a bad way. just as I am now back to bending out of shape and squatting low the whole day to paint the white border that separates the wall and floor.
Vertical white stripes on the black stairs turned into an impression of angels feet, which is basically dipping my feet in cold slippery white paint and running up the black stairs. Looks more original than stripes and took half less time. It's so much less mathematical. I can't seem to get anything mathematical, the girls I was baby-sitting last night seemed to know more. At least I was good at the drama part, which is playing that I was giving in to make them feel better, playing dumb, but deep down in reality really being so.
There is so much to do for parents coming...I'd hate to disapoint them.
I feel like I am disappointing myself more than anyone else ever.

stairs

there are coffee stains on my macbook. must've been all these renovations and changes.
Parents, mostly mom, didn't exactly fall in love with my black stairs when they saw it on skype. Thus, today is the day when I will be painting white stripes vertically up to the very top. It sounds alot easier than it actually is. It's the last thing I want to be doing today.

anticipating

I find myself writing the most when I'm in the midst of renovation..like right now. Of course it has to be pitch black dark, way too late, very tired and exhausted, but yet Esther and I are up moving everything, changing everything, finishing up somethings, thinking of new things, writing down long lists of to-dos, to-buys, to-finish, to-make, to-change, to- being busy beyond my physical strength. But I don't care, I like to be busy, as much as I like rest, and if this body gives up and dies in the middle of the night I'd care less, since the feeling of wanting to be no where else but heaven hasn't left me yet.
Parents are coming soon, with Shulamite ofcourse. I'm anticipating.

There is no one on this earth like Esther Brukh.

maked up

kicked some heels on and went to target with everyone. Slightly renovated the kitchen today.
I love renovation! I love change!  and walking in heels... it makes me feel so swift!
I'm deciding to stop wearing make-up. Or at at least, attempt to. Or go with the slightest touch up. Cause I hate make-up. If God didn't give you long black lashes, or injected red lips, or lines on your lids, or red cheeks, than why should we draw them on?
God has a way better taste than we do, the way He created us is perfect, and whatever someone trys to injects or stick on or draw on just looks pathetic. I mean it doesn't even match them.
Yes, I guess I'm sounding like a typical grandmother. But I'd care less who I sound like.
If you're an old shed you can go ahead and add some paint to the rafters and doors and maybe change the windows. As in with old people, yeah go ahead and draw on some lashes or something. But I mean we young people, what the heck are we doing decaying our faces with paint. It doesn't even look good.
and I'm not bashing anyone out, cause I know personally I myself love to go overboard and put on layers of mascara, counter my cheeks, I'm in love with bronzers! or eyeliners, eyeshadows are fun too. Lip plumpers help me stop licking my lips constantly, which is good. And achieving a 'no make-up' look or an evening look or a morning look or a runway look just feels good. It's all kind of like art.
So I'm...pondering.
Maybe stopping all this make-up is just another new thing I'll do and get over it.
There's a very thin line between having fun with make-up and, I don't know, idolizing it I should say, or believing that it makes you look better, cause sweetheart, make-up wont make a person who's ugly on the inside look good. So go make up that inside dying soul instead.

cleaning

slightly shocked once again at how much cleaning and keeping a house in order takes time and strength. This whole morning I was doing just that and I'm so tired and still not finished much.
Talk about perfection. For perfection I'd need to set apart 3 whole days a week just for taking care of the house.

And than...The Yard. Lets not even go there. I can spend a whole day weeding the backyard and at the end it still looks like crap. Maybe its this winter/spring transition period where everything basically doesn't look good.
I wonder if there are people who realize that hardness and effort and really treasure clean houses! I mean, of course there is. except I havent met much people like that yet, except my parents of course. They are the reason I treasure cleanliness. In all areas of life. same applies spiritually.

Can't stand dust. Dirty floors. Dirty windows, dirty dishes, old clothes, dirty brains, filthy minds.

Anyway. Cleaning is good. Lets the nerves out.
going to continue doing something that never has a finish...

between

I don't recognize myself when I write. I don't recognize myself when I look into pictures of myself. I don't recognize myself in this life. I feel like my soul is lingering between heaven and Earth and I'm about to go..
No I'm not depressed. Ever. and please don't think I'm weird. Don't write all of this off because of my parents being gone or my age. This has nothing to do with it. I'm actually pretty optimistic. and wanting to be in heaven is not bad. and there's nothing depressing about it. And I hate how many times I use the word 'I'. Thats possibly the most depressing thing for me. and it's not like I'm thinking about I 24/7. It's just as soon as I start writing. maybe thats because I never talk about I, I hardly think about I, so I must write about I.
I think it's time for me to force myself to fall asleep now. good night.

не знаю, но я счастлива.

I don't like my pictures and I don't like my blog. Frustrated that a painting I'm doing of 2 glasses (one clean the other not clean) is turning out so cartoonish, animated.
Not that I'm good at art anyway, so why act like I am? or why be disappointed when it looks bad?
Spent 3 days in a row almost fully indulged in videos. There was many things I was downloading from old tapes, 2006 stuff. Started missing Poland for no good reason. I was glad to get it over with by downloading the last two tapes full of 2010 stuff that I filmed since parents were gone. which gave me an idea to make a video for them to show them whats been happening and how the house looks.. how we look.. now, after almost half the year without them.
 stayed up till 4am making a 4 minute video with Esther's help. It ended up having lots of shots of her mostly, and another person...I guess I won't mention his name here.... I'm so temped to put the video out, buts its just a bit too juicy, some people would freak.
Anyway. Waking up late the next morning was almost not worth it. waking up late is just horrible, makes me mad. But it does energize me to top the day off with plenty of work. But it's still not worth it. waking up early, like at 6am, 7am...it's so beautiful. and it makes the day seem like a week at the end of the day.
So I don't know what I'm doing right now, I should be going to bed and falling asleep but this torturing headache, doesnt want to go away, I drank tons of liquid...I even ate alot, just in case it was my hunger or something hindering healthiness and sleep. Sometimes I don't even know.
I'm happy, but I don't know.
Sometimes I know so much it makes me not know.
But I'm happy. And sometimes I don't know that I'm happy, and when I'm happy I don't know.
But I do know. I know too much.
that might be the problem.

presence

God's presence makes me want to praise Him. Entirely. Fully surrendered. 
I can't stay quite, timid, serious, I just can't. and I think that there's no use to. 
and furthermore I hate it when people thinking that because they are just these 'solid' 'serious' 'timid' individuals that they can get away with sitting, or at the best, standing during God's presence (if its there), thinking that anything that goes beyond their still poise is 'manic dancing' etc.

I do understand and fully consider though that sometimes, most of the time, you might be in a church and theres nothing at all, its just dry and if thats what Christ died for than I'd rather quit church. 

I do take that into consideration. But that cant be your reason if you're one of the leaders. 
and even if you're not one of the leaders. change starts with you.
 So we the people have really gotten it all wrong. 

That, Or, we're not going all the way. At all.

And lately, now more than ever before, I have become sickened to death by so many songs that just sound nice or make you feel good. Stuff like, "joy is coming to me' or 'I will exalt You'. 
I get so mad. 
YES!! EXALT HIM!!!! EXALT HIM, WHY JUST STAND THERE AND TELL HIM THAT YOU WILL ONE DAY!!!!!

OR, 'JOY WILL COME TO ME, I CAN SEE A LIGHT THAT IS COMING TO ME!' ITS NOT ABOUT YOU!!  ITS NOT ABOUT YOU OR ME AT ALL! IT'S ALL FOR HIM, ABOUT HIM, BEFORE HIM!! THINKING THATS ITS ALL ABOUT YOU IS ABOUT ONE OF THE BIGGEST LIES THE DEVIL WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE IN, AND YOU SO HAPPILY AND SPIRITUALLY DO.

Why are we so concerned about our own inner joy and peace and just everything going good? If this life has anything to do with me, or you, than I'd rather die and rot in a hole in a ground. 

The only thing thats keeping me from doing so is Romans 11:36.

all I want to do is worship Him, in full surrender, covered from head to toe in His presence and nothing else.

Thats all.

flipping that chapter, misted

Talked with parents on skype. thats enough to strangle and mist me in 30 minutes, for the next 30 hours.
I mean I love radicalness, but I guess America has kinda put me on a slow pace.
Not bashing out America, since as of this morning I found out that I might be staying here for another good big year.
Nevertheless, I will not cry, be angered, disappointed. And thats maybe because I'm too numbed out of a bad mood because parents are coming to Florida to be with us for a week and to drop Shulamite off, and then they leave once again to Ukraine (hello newly weds shall I say). and hello motherhood for me once again. This has been something I was dreading. But surprisingly I'm not that much sad. Sure I was hoping for new horizons, places, problems, people, outreaches, and the good old big social loud metropolitan city, where people are alot more reachable and open when you're evangelizing.
I was on my way there, almost packing and making lists of last minute essentials to buy, reading books and being constantly in the Word and prayer. And many other things you do when your life is about to turn a new chapter, and you're writing of that last sentence of the old one.
But here all of a sudden I am now aware that I will be, in America, with Shula.
I'm actually shocked how interested, calm and unsaddened I am.
It will be so much more reasonable for parents though, starting a ministry and church like that, and evangelizing, children less. That makes sense, with children, its just painful. Mom would be tied up with Shula, when its time to help papa start the team of people, train, speak, teach, go out etc.
Yes, so we decided that me mothering Shula would be alot easier done in the US with david and esther and daycares and preschools and the beach and the malls, rather than in Ukraine, where its cold and tense and just a city not really thought out for little children and their nannys I think.  I don't even know.
surprisingly I'm happy that she'll be here, yes, it will be twice as hard, she'll be whining for parents, I'll be plunged once again into the mommy world, discipline and self-control will once again be my closest friends, waking up too early each morning. and theres tons more, things that enter into your life when you're parentless, with a toddler, who is also parentless. But those things make you the person you become. I know I'd be very different if she was never born.
The thought that she will push me into really treasuring my time and changing, like she always does. I mean, those few hours a day when she's napping, or in daycare, become literally gold. thats when I'm most productive. Not when I have the whole day to myself and I'm swimming swiftly around.
I need that shake me up into reality and hardships type of time in my life right now. No more of those dazed and confused sitting the whole day staring at the wall getting lost in thoughts never getting found types of days. I like hardships, I like when life, or God, forces you to be bended into something you'd never become in just an easy cute life. I love it when life treats me cruel. I don't know, just brings me that feeling of satisfaction. everything going too politicly correct just scares me.
This is perfect. God is perfect. His plans amaze me, Can't wait to find out what will happen next! Maybe I'll die and go to heaven!!!!

about me

to all you beautiful people out there reading my rambling thoughts, there is a new about me section in this blogger profile, just so you're in the know!

just a few minor goodbyes

Pessimism, you have to leave.
And never come back because you are not welcome. ever.
and uncreativity, confusion, stuckness, disappointment, uncertainty, and the rest too.
Done and over.

lets get different

Noticed how being with someone really makes you sound like those people you were around with. being around someone for more than an hour and you start acting like them and talking, even the voice starts sounding like them.
not that this is a revelation or something new, everyone probably knows this.
It's just one of those aspects I don't like. But we just can't sit around and surround ourselves by people we love and thats it. Or even worse, just be by ourselves and thats it. That's just plain selfish right there. we really got to reach out and get toppled over and changed into different people than what we were or would be if we were just around our ourselves and our loves.
Which is an aspect that I do love. everything new and....change. I'm thinking that I even like any kind of change, even for the worst as long as its something new. and that might be unbalanced I agree.
mmm...loved walking a big, adorable, graceful, none-biting dog on a leash last night while we were with the Avila family once again after a mexican restaurant. The Avilas are some of the most caring, loving, and sincere people I've met in a long while.

celebrate

last night was defiantly a blast. and really unexpected too. I was really tired and worn out from the day/week/month, but last night with the Avila family, and wii, plus chai and talking, really, almost like re-energized me.
And that is one of those elements I think that every church should have and is lacking as of right now.
we are all a family, and no matter how much I'm a lover and respecter of being by myself or indulging in work, and achieving,
 still the time being spent in a cheerful atmosphere  of talking, laughing, connecting, playing games, having fun, kind of wasting time, just letting it all go and listening and watching other people. It's much needed. I love when there is alot of different people too.
I think churches should have the atmosphere of going out together, doing things together and not being so separate and unrelated and far of from each other.
kind of like the organic church, the church in the first few years after death and resurrection of Christ.
or like the pilgrims, their life revolved around church,family, friends.
I know saying this practically puts me in the grandmother position but its crucial to have this family atmosphere around you, and in the church. otherwise I'd rather not come to church at  all. I can praise God and pray by myself in a room and have it 2x more enjoyable and real, but a church is the gathering of the redeemed and we should all celebrate and have fun when we're together.

not the time

I don't know if I've ever felt so left behind, left out and rejected like I do now. No, I don't think that has ever really happened to me, and if it was there, it probably never bothered me as much.

There must be something wrong with me, hopefully this doesn't sound cliche, but I think there is if the people I would have usually normally hit of perfectly is now just a big pain, and it just never clicks.

And no, I'm not sad, or depressed. no way. just pondering...It could be that this isn't my place, isn't my time and these just aren't the people.

when shall I say farewell to you lovely America? when?