Every morning that I wake up, I have had one desire, kind of. I've been wanting to dive for the past month, if that makes sense. Dive everywhere.. into anything.. Dive into the wall, dive into the ceiling, dive into my pillow, dive into the floor, dive into the air, dive out of windows, dive into the future.  Perhaps I've been missing swimming... I don't know whats the case. Maybe heartbreak.

After tonight I realized that I don't mind little infants, its the smart energy-bursting toddlers that give me headaches. This baby boy is 5 weeks old and his name is Alexander, so light and precious. Made my night:)

I love full moons, it's like someone above forgot to turn off a little light at night. I like getting out of a nice long shower to find everyone sleeping leaving my night all up to me. Yes this is this kind of night.  Making myself some tea. If you dont like tea or coffee its because you have never tried a really good cup of it. You should ask me to make one for you. Thinkin bout how soon I'll be too far away. Too far away from my current worries and over-analazations. I think that once I said how a change of location never changes anything about your current situation. But in a way it does. It changes you when that 'away' means leaving the people who were such a big part of life behind and going somewhere where you wont see them or talk to them everyday like you used to. The only things that are left permanent to you is the necessities of life.....God, air, sleep, water, memories. I wish memories weren't eternal..but they are. They exist somewhere in your soul or spirit. That made me cringe, there are so many things I'd want to never remember.
To be honest I'm not looking forward to going to Ukraine or Belarus. A huge sigh escapes my mouth every time I think of it. Ironically what makes me sigh an even heavier sadder sigh is staying behind in America. If I got stuck somewhere in the air during the flight over the ocean I'd be pretty happy I think.

Tonight Esther and I were cleaning out the shed in our back yard which was a mess in the size of a huge headache for me, something I couldn't take my mind off day after day. As I was sweeping and washing the wooden floors in there (under a lamp with a smell that made me want to go camping) and Esther was re-orginizing everything, I thought how in the world we had let ourself let this place down. It's not that hard to keep a place up, even if it's outside and you never go in there.
Then I thought that the reason was because people like us put things off thinking that it's some big task, too big to be done right now, today. But the truth is that if you ever plan to eat an elephant (yes excuse the overused old quote from somewhere about elephants and tasks) it will only get done one bite at a time, and you can start biting today, right now. Or better put the phrase that echoes in my head each morning; "just one thousand simple tasks". Same applies for relationships too.

count down towards parent's coming...something Shu and I painted..

Everything is coming from God, going towards God, and all for God. That's all that matters..so many people try to forget that though and move on in life grasping their dreams in their heads but not the very God who gives them the next breath to live. Who gives them the second, third, fourth chance with every breath to turn around.
But no they go on busy with their dream. Imagining, dreaming in their heads not realizing that they are living in a cloud of illusion. Sometimes I wish I could spit reality into some people's face's, but sadly my spit isn't that miraculous.
Haven't people noticed that as soon as you give it all up, you can have it all. It's the most exquisite paradox. The beauty of surrender.
Not saying anythings wrong about imagining or dreaming. Ironically those are the two words written all around the black kitchen wall I see everyday, all day. Dream, imagine, smile, and friends. Four cliched words. They are all good though. Good things in life. 
I guess I've just been shocked lately by some people who build up unrealistic fantasies after watching too much movies. Then they walk in this illusion of "its my dream", pushing past God moving Him slightly out of the frame and running towards their goal. Running in place that is.  It's slightly breaks my heart and cripples my mind to understand that they won't get there. And I'm a 'supporter' person,  I support people without thinking, it's just a habit of mine to encourage people who claim to be in the  'before the sunrise it's the darkest'  time of their lives because I'm familiar with that feeling. 
It's just these damn illusions, fantasies, covered in a pretty "my dream" words. 
It helps to know that God has everything in control and i shouldnt be so worried about this. I just don't like to see people crash. I know how horrible that feels, I've been crashing like this all summer long. Yeah this post describes the pit I'm crawling out, and suddenly I see people jumping into it, and it seems like there's nothin I can do to prevent that. Guess we all got to crash and burn and learn before we get to heaven...:)

Sitting up late tonight with a stomach ache. Thats what I get when I don't have a head ache.
 Life's been tough, but thats the way earth life is. Some people keep hiding important portions of the truth and that doesn't make anything better. People lie. And then that makes people shut other people out.
But a look at myself I also see how much I'm hiding and never telling anything real to anyone. There is not one person in this world who knows me. Unless parents do have that 'I feel/ I know' thing about their children.
I don't think that anyone I could actually trust would have the patience and selflessness to listen to the very end and understand what I'm saying and then not betray me or reject me.
Which is foolish to say knowing that with Jesus it was the complete opposite. So if I want to be like Him, why am I opting for the softness of safety with people, the complete opposite of what He went through? Something makes me think thats impossible, to have what I want. No betrayal...understanding.

Right now I'm giving Shula a bath. Kind of getting over the fact that I'm not going to Belarus in October. But instead parents are coming here in October and after Christmas (and after renewing our passports in D.C.) I'm flying with them out of the states. So this certainty makes me happy. After sometime, some people, start cherishing when someone else is in control. Like now, I'm glad parents are behind me dictating where I'm going and I don't need to decide that. My head is exploding and I'm thinking through so many things. It's ridiculous, I'm ridiculous.

Like even this blog isn't all sugar and happy like I wish it could be, instead its a huge snore of my head-aches. 
Cleaning out my mac's photobooth (webcam) pictures

I make a point of not wearing any makeup around kids

when i chopped my hair a bit too short

we always sing. and eat. and level the mac on one palm to take a picture .

this is something else