Sunday, January 31, 2010

haze

learning a bunch of sexy dance moves to be done to bust out the fat all around and to never be done on people. nike rockstar workout is cute, thanks Esther for introducing and forcing me to do this with you.
sometime I think that I get too stuck on earthly things that have no meaning and fade away. but I mean, we all do at times. I few days ago, I remember writing down something that I felt being spoken in my heart;
You will be given. right now, you must focus fully on Christ, and for a period of time, only on Him, His glory, His wisdom, His nature, His works.
This was what I heard being spoken to me when I was asking God to give me understanding, in many aspects of life which I shouldn't mention here. When I was asking for light to be shone on the darkness in my life so that I would be pure and holy, as He is holy. When I was asking for favor, for people, for souls in the streets, for the future, for Him to reveal His will to me.
 It is all that matters to me now. lately I haven't really been hearing Him, seeing what to do, I felt like I was in somewhat of a grayness, not quit darkness, but defiantly not light, somewhat of a haze.
and I understand that those moments are crucial and needed at times. I guess this was one of those times.
I want revival, I want fire, I want an outpour and a downpour. I want to be holy, and perfect just as Jesus was and is. 
what I am right now and what I am doing is not enough. it's simply to get by. and I'm done just blindly getting by.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

what I do the whole night

These wonderful stairs turned out very much tiring. I started out at 12am painting the sides white, that took me about 3 hours. Than I was gone and came back around 9pm. after all the measurements, tea's, coffees, talks, laughs etc. I finally got to taping the stairs (cause the middle is all black, and the sides are all white) so I taped it all out, so no black would go on the white and vice versa and you get the whole point.
so I finally started slapping that paint on the wood at about 11pm. now it is 4 am and I am still not done. 

been doing ridiculous acrobatic poses to reach corners. I guess I forgot how precise and hard painting with black is. I have to put on a layer, than wait about 30 min. than another layer, and so on for 4 layers on each step.
the worst part? well dear brother woke up at 3:30 am, started tumbling down the half wet black stairs.
dear sister decided to finally ascend upstairs at 4am to go to bed.
I thought doing it over night would be perfect by the time everyone would wake up it would be dry.
I try to be quick, but I'm still so slow, and I over pour the paint into the palette, yes it does dry up fast and no, no one is helping me. my whole hand is black, and my hoodie is dripped in a huge coffee stain. I don't think much after 1am sadly. dilemma, dilemma.
And now I am sitting here eating a cookie and thinking how dumb the whole celebrity look alikes thing is on facebook. Good night.

thick and thin

painting stairs black and white. renovation type of year. renovation type of new lifestyle. I love change, tired of oldness, officiality, typicalness, fakeness, everyday the same type of everything. Esther is charting up the lines for straightness, cause I suck at math, except for addition. I'm getting myself splattered in black paint once again, I love the bottomless bucket of black paint we bought at wal-mart, its glossy and fantastic,  and I'm enjoying my last few weeks with my sister. and brother. but the brother and his stupid sleeping schedule is the latter. He kinda yelled at me today when I wanted to make some delicious basilic spaghetti, with cheese and mushroom tomato sauce. He said he wants take out. I got mad cause there was nothing to yell at and there was nothing to get mad at. Esther got mad cause we were acting too redneck, quarreling in the kitchen,  thats how it goes. Who ever said that love starts in the kitchen has never lived in the 2010th century. Or it's just I've never been with anyone I'm in love with in the actual  kitchen. But I do love my brother, with the love that overlooks many weaknesses and keeps strong. quarrels make love strong sometimes too right? through thick and thin, through thick and thin. It helps to know that I've got plenty of flaws and weaknesses too. What right do I have to judge and critique when I am the first and foremost wrong-doer in all the subjects I accuse other people of being stupid at. Now I only wish that other people would be aware of that fact too, cause usually what you critique and judge so cruelly (or just sparely) it is that one thing that you yourself should be guilty of.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

hold on

When we're weak, He is strong. So me might as well hold on and stop complaining right? yep. plan of the year. I think I can do it

january is ending

January is ending soon. there goes one more month closer to the new year of 2011. what have we done?

losing

Over eat and my stomach hurts so much, it's so not good to over eat, ugh. All for the love of my worried sister who thinks I lost too much weight and my butt is too flat now and all the clothes I try on in different stores tend to always fall off or hang on me like on a hanger. But believe me, I have not, I stayed the same, well, basically, when parents were here I was 110 pounds, now I'm only 100, but thats not much of a difference at all, not a good enough reason for all my clothes to be to big on me and Esther taking over them. talk about hang-me-downs. I'd be happy if that'd ever happen, as for now I'll be fine with drowning in a new white tee shirt with streaks of bright paint, and the black skinny jeans that used to be a bit too tight before.
really hating how these blogs sound so much like essays or something, so not in to it. being the only person from the whole entire school to get a 6 on fcat writing really ruined me, lately logic seems to be escaping me, but at times when I don't need it, it always finds a way back, with doubled strength.
I feel like throwing up, emotionally, physically, spiritually
I'm just a tired little person, who's soul has expired.
heck why am I even writing all this
why publish
listening to delirious?.... there's no other current band in the world that sparks hope in me but them. too bad they quit, why do good things have an ending?

Monday, January 25, 2010

amazing person

There is this one person at church yesterday, his name is Daniel Mitchell, he's amazing, left us all three speechless and amazed last night. No not because of what he gave, even though that was stunning beyond words, but his kindness, generosity, and sincere love, when he could have found tons of reasons to not do what he did, cause from our part we didnt do much stunningness in his eyes to deserve it, to deserve probably the most vast gift I had ever personally received.
Here it goes again, the effect of aftershock when I think about it, leaving me numb and speechless.
finishing drinking and than going on to do tons of stuff, spray painting today, finally I got to do this project that I've wanted to do, for a long time, probably since I was 3 hah, I can imagine Esther basically taking all the credit for it at the end. but I don't care now.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

swaying dry palm trees

Disgusted. Can't stand my blog, such typical little cute phrases that everyone knows and uses. feeling so, brown and dusted and dry.
I'm at this point where I can sit from morning till night staring at the wall in front of me, getting lost, getting not found and than going back to bed.
At least I managed to stuff some radishes and matzo into my bones and skin today, only to remember that radishes and an empty stomach never mixed and never will. drained it all with coffee and no sugar.
Everyone at the house and skype are annoyed by me, telling me to stop being so down and dark. I tell them that I'm in the midst of thinking, I'm not sad, dark ( I never am) not angry, just thoughtful. I can't stand when people tell me I'm sad. Because I'm not, never was, never will be.
Fully understanding that it's all from God, for God, and all going towards Him. everything thats left of me, is in Him, for Him, from within Him, and all going towards Him. I'm made of complete trust. Trust and nothin else, well maybe some love, if there is any left, I wonder. hoping it's there.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

tugging

 blurred day today. can't seem to eat for the past 2 days, no desire at all.
have been thinking that I need to move. parents say that somewhere in March they might come here to pick me up, or they will wait till after the summer and after the official start of the ministry. but I've been obsessed with trying to seek out newer options for my moving faster. I don't belong here at this moment. I'm done with school, and that was basically the biggest reason for my stay in Jacksonville, or America altogether. now tis the time to get my butt outta here and to the place that God is tugging my heart towards.

sometimes I wonder if its actually truly God, or my pain, tugging me to move. or plain lack. lack of something which I couldn't and shouldn't mention here, or overall, to anyone for the longest of times.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

wishing people

mmm winter jam tonight, the seats we ended up in were amazing, all the band member's heads were an inch away from my toe kicking them in the head, and seeing eye to eye almost all the 10,000 out there (who the heck needs a stage) 
wishing people more uniqueness, especially us Jesus lovers, copying something out there, makes you too pathetic to watch, like mostly all the bands tonight, uh, can I just say I don't listen to music anymore? sad I know, what an amazing example of what to never do.
but I still enjoyed tonight, all experiences are good experiences.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Last day of school

Today is this wonderful day that possibly forever I am done with high school, and the next level of education I will take will be the GED test, than college, or a university, or straight on working.
YES for FREEDOM!!!! Can't explain how excited I am for the next few weeks and months and days. THERE IS SO MUCH to do!!! and the best part is that there is no school to hinder it, to hinder creativity, time, worthless worries, it's all behind.
Now clearly realizing, that what's ahead is much hardships and perseverance, like learning piano notations which my head couldn't ever fit in (but now it will just have to), but knowing that these hardships will bring change, and worth fulness and a step up to accomplishing God's will, I'm plunging in all the way, talking about which, I really, really want to go for a swim.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

coals


 the light in the room was perfect, dimmed and orange just like I like it, and the rapid burning fire in the brick chimney was just the perfect touche. 
a black coal caught my attention and leaving the other drawing behind I attempted to scribble away with a coal. it looked interesting... so I mixed up some paints (70% white and 30% green) and in a very refreshing tone outlined some lines in the blackness. wanting to make the drawing fatter, I got a new fat coal from the fire and scribbled to the tune of the music (the best way to draw ever). it looked interesting but I felt like maybe it didn't look as good as it could, so I used the coal again to the loud music. 
in a few minutes I noticed mistakes, so I scribbled some more, than I saw some more mistakes and than it went on and on until I was left with the biggest mistake of all time; just a paper covered 70% in dusty blackness.
of course being raised up to make the best of everything, I fixed it fast into moderne ikea-inspired abstract caractère mignon.
the whole point behind all of this? people, circumstances, situations. mistakes happen and we tend to, or at least I know I do, cover it up and scribble away with the coal, but it all gets worse. why don't we just stop trying to make it all creative and fix it all the time when something happens not as good as we wanted it to be? leaving it the way it is, and in the hands of God, than we wont have these black messy holes and huge mistakes that we than have to lightly summon up all the creativity ever to at least make it understandable.
I confuse myself.

morning

 I don't get my poor writing style and how I can't seem to put my thoughts on paper correctly, just the way they are. January... what a month. and it's only just begun.
I've decided to chase the sun and see who will rise up first, apparently I won and woke up at 4am. It felt wonderful. mornings are beautiful, seeing the sun rise is so tranquil. fires me up for the rest of the day.
working through and reading the book of Ezra...still pondering and writing many points down.
doing many things and hoping and wishing for many things. striving and changing. change is wonderful.