Winter time makes me feel the warmest inside than any hot summer day. Haven't started counting down days of when I'm leaving America with my parents to Kiev etc. It will be on the 29th of Dec. But I'm not going to let the end of December rule the first part of it. If I started making a lists of everything that I want to do before I leave it would be overwhelming. I like America and americans. Somethings are fishy, some are just sweet. It's been the hardest thing ever for me to quit suspecting every living thing on earth. 

I have no idea whats to come to be honest, or what to expect.  I do have pages scribbled away with my life's plans for the next 5 years, but God has a way of making 190 turns in all of my plans. 

The last two months flew by for me in a whirl of lots of things. Should I have told you that? No. Should I keep ranting in hidden cliched phrases about my feelings toward those 2 months? No.
28 more days and I wave goodbye to Florida. Christmastime is beautiful! Especially here in America! Lav it!

Jacksonville Florida keeps people warm. Slows people down in this heat which exists spiritually too. Not everyone of course, just a vast majority of unsuspecting people. It slowed me down, and I wasn't even aware. It took some outsiders over the ocean to snap their fingers at me telling me to snap out of this american slow day to day nothing happening life. Honestly, I have not acted upon those words very urgently. I blame it on the cleaning and cooking. The cleaning and cooking blames it on me.  You can never blame something for your situation. Never. It is you who has the power of decision and no one and nothing will ever do what only you can do. In the garden of eden God gave them a choice, a decision. It is you who decides where you will end up, which path you are waking on today. And yes, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. So you can't be driven by your flesh, when you're driven by your flesh you're living like a horse or dog which runs where it wants. But you are a human created in the image of God, not an animal driven by flesh. Let the spirit drive you, bending, crinkling, stretching your flesh out of comfort to get to the perfect destination.

Sipping tea as this day turns into the evening and I'm taking a break before I carry on with the never-eneding cleaning and washing. It probably sounds unbelievable to some. The fact that all I do is clean. The fact that all I am now is a washer, floor/dishes/kid/clothes washer. It is unbelievable to those who never went through this. But I stopped talking about it and complaining and trying to describe it because it does no good for anyone. I have no idea why I'm bringing this up now. Sometimes I just do things in vain.
This fall weather is perfect. Today we went for a walk on the beach dipping our feet in the cold ocean. The water was beautiful and so alluring...rippling and clean. The warm wind blew up my shirt and through my hair, for a moment there I though I would fly away.
The countdown towards parent's coming is getting smaller and smaller as I cross out number by number with a fat sharpie every evening.
Each morning I eat up the book of Luke chapter by chapter...I love reading about Jesus, I love that I dont understand a thing.
Guess what? I'm at the bottom of my cuppa tea with tons of sugar and lemon. Now i'm staring in the eye of the dirty dishes waiting for me by the sink. Good bye.

Every morning that I wake up, I have had one desire, kind of. I've been wanting to dive for the past month, if that makes sense. Dive everywhere.. into anything.. Dive into the wall, dive into the ceiling, dive into my pillow, dive into the floor, dive into the air, dive out of windows, dive into the future.  Perhaps I've been missing swimming... I don't know whats the case. Maybe heartbreak.

After tonight I realized that I don't mind little infants, its the smart energy-bursting toddlers that give me headaches. This baby boy is 5 weeks old and his name is Alexander, so light and precious. Made my night:)

I love full moons, it's like someone above forgot to turn off a little light at night. I like getting out of a nice long shower to find everyone sleeping leaving my night all up to me. Yes this is this kind of night.  Making myself some tea. If you dont like tea or coffee its because you have never tried a really good cup of it. You should ask me to make one for you. Thinkin bout how soon I'll be too far away. Too far away from my current worries and over-analazations. I think that once I said how a change of location never changes anything about your current situation. But in a way it does. It changes you when that 'away' means leaving the people who were such a big part of life behind and going somewhere where you wont see them or talk to them everyday like you used to. The only things that are left permanent to you is the necessities of life.....God, air, sleep, water, memories. I wish memories weren't eternal..but they are. They exist somewhere in your soul or spirit. That made me cringe, there are so many things I'd want to never remember.
To be honest I'm not looking forward to going to Ukraine or Belarus. A huge sigh escapes my mouth every time I think of it. Ironically what makes me sigh an even heavier sadder sigh is staying behind in America. If I got stuck somewhere in the air during the flight over the ocean I'd be pretty happy I think.

Tonight Esther and I were cleaning out the shed in our back yard which was a mess in the size of a huge headache for me, something I couldn't take my mind off day after day. As I was sweeping and washing the wooden floors in there (under a lamp with a smell that made me want to go camping) and Esther was re-orginizing everything, I thought how in the world we had let ourself let this place down. It's not that hard to keep a place up, even if it's outside and you never go in there.
Then I thought that the reason was because people like us put things off thinking that it's some big task, too big to be done right now, today. But the truth is that if you ever plan to eat an elephant (yes excuse the overused old quote from somewhere about elephants and tasks) it will only get done one bite at a time, and you can start biting today, right now. Or better put the phrase that echoes in my head each morning; "just one thousand simple tasks". Same applies for relationships too.

count down towards parent's coming...something Shu and I painted..

Everything is coming from God, going towards God, and all for God. That's all that matters..so many people try to forget that though and move on in life grasping their dreams in their heads but not the very God who gives them the next breath to live. Who gives them the second, third, fourth chance with every breath to turn around.
But no they go on busy with their dream. Imagining, dreaming in their heads not realizing that they are living in a cloud of illusion. Sometimes I wish I could spit reality into some people's face's, but sadly my spit isn't that miraculous.
Haven't people noticed that as soon as you give it all up, you can have it all. It's the most exquisite paradox. The beauty of surrender.
Not saying anythings wrong about imagining or dreaming. Ironically those are the two words written all around the black kitchen wall I see everyday, all day. Dream, imagine, smile, and friends. Four cliched words. They are all good though. Good things in life. 
I guess I've just been shocked lately by some people who build up unrealistic fantasies after watching too much movies. Then they walk in this illusion of "its my dream", pushing past God moving Him slightly out of the frame and running towards their goal. Running in place that is.  It's slightly breaks my heart and cripples my mind to understand that they won't get there. And I'm a 'supporter' person,  I support people without thinking, it's just a habit of mine to encourage people who claim to be in the  'before the sunrise it's the darkest'  time of their lives because I'm familiar with that feeling. 
It's just these damn illusions, fantasies, covered in a pretty "my dream" words. 
It helps to know that God has everything in control and i shouldnt be so worried about this. I just don't like to see people crash. I know how horrible that feels, I've been crashing like this all summer long. Yeah this post describes the pit I'm crawling out, and suddenly I see people jumping into it, and it seems like there's nothin I can do to prevent that. Guess we all got to crash and burn and learn before we get to heaven...:)

Sitting up late tonight with a stomach ache. Thats what I get when I don't have a head ache.
 Life's been tough, but thats the way earth life is. Some people keep hiding important portions of the truth and that doesn't make anything better. People lie. And then that makes people shut other people out.
But a look at myself I also see how much I'm hiding and never telling anything real to anyone. There is not one person in this world who knows me. Unless parents do have that 'I feel/ I know' thing about their children.
I don't think that anyone I could actually trust would have the patience and selflessness to listen to the very end and understand what I'm saying and then not betray me or reject me.
Which is foolish to say knowing that with Jesus it was the complete opposite. So if I want to be like Him, why am I opting for the softness of safety with people, the complete opposite of what He went through? Something makes me think thats impossible, to have what I want. No betrayal...understanding.

Right now I'm giving Shula a bath. Kind of getting over the fact that I'm not going to Belarus in October. But instead parents are coming here in October and after Christmas (and after renewing our passports in D.C.) I'm flying with them out of the states. So this certainty makes me happy. After sometime, some people, start cherishing when someone else is in control. Like now, I'm glad parents are behind me dictating where I'm going and I don't need to decide that. My head is exploding and I'm thinking through so many things. It's ridiculous, I'm ridiculous.

Like even this blog isn't all sugar and happy like I wish it could be, instead its a huge snore of my head-aches. 
Cleaning out my mac's photobooth (webcam) pictures

I make a point of not wearing any makeup around kids

when i chopped my hair a bit too short

we always sing. and eat. and level the mac on one palm to take a picture .

this is something else

карта

Not done with this project yet, will post more pictures when done, I just like the process of getting that kind of paper.

What have my days become like...inside I have turned 60 years old, I feel like such an old soul.
My grandparents have been on my mind alot lately. Maybe that explains why I'm sketching my 5th drawing of an old man.


Finally around 2pm the day turns around towards my cherished time of the day; nap time for Shula, and as I lullaby her to sleep with some old russian worship songs. I nearly collapse into deep sleep with her for I am very exhausted.
But the picture of our deserted backyard sinks like some kind of evil into my mind and I can't help but jolt up from my almost-sleep and run stumbling outside to weed the yard for it is a mess, and it's driving me crazy.
So as I pull those darling weeds and get dirt seeped in through the gloves all up my finger nails (forget french manicures) I think of what has become of my days.
I get a sun burn from getting lost in thought, get up from the ground, tie up the trash bags, wash up, and with my now blistered fingers make myself coffee to stay awake in the middle of the day as I sketch my old man once again and plead to God for forgiveness for become so mundane and dull.


Maybe days like these sound alright to you, and I agree; there is no war, no starvation, no persecution (not here in America at least)
 But what's really killing me is the mundane same day after day plowing through. I didnt even tell you what my whole day really is like for I'm trying to keep myself awake here.


No, actually you know what? There is starvation. It's inside of me, I'm starving to death inside this dry dessert I've become.
I’d confess that I often have the urge to jump on the grocery cart as it hurdles toward the car in the parking lot, but that’s not something for confession.
The real confession is that I DON’T jump on my cart and ride it as it hurdles toward the car in the parking lot.
When did that stop being a cultural “ok” I wonder.


For once I watched with awe today as a Shula laughed and ran toward me. She was not outrageously excited about any one thing in particular. She was just in her body, moving from one place to another and expressing some unplaced and as yet unnamed joy.


I mourn that unexpressed joy. I know I still have it because I still want to jump on that cart. When I think of the roadblock, the voice in my head, that tells me to stop…don’t give in…control myself…when I think of that I feel sad.
I know there’s reward for being self controlled…I just think I’m choosing poorly. Self control as it applies to anger is good…but as it applies to joy…damn…let’s just live in that a little more, shall we?


Look for me in the parking lot, friends….

Follow your heart, believe in yourself, just be yourself; 

Honestly those are the most stupid prettiest phrases that we like to believe in. 

The New Testament constantly talks about 'putting on Christ' about Christ 'being formed in us' about our coming to 'have the mind of Christ' or 'dressing up' as a son of God

Believing in God, not your own self. Because we are nothing without Him, there's nothing to believe in if its just us alone, people fail.

Jeremiah 17:9 says 'The heart is deceitful above all things' So why would you follow it, and try to pursued others into it. If I followed my heart, I'd never get out of bed. Simple as that.

And I don't want to be myself,  I want to be like Jesus. I don't want to find myself, I want to find God, and lose all that I am in Him.

It's sad how so many people go around stuck with those 'yourself' phrases where they put all their reliance on themselves. 

Боюсь, что я тебя никогда не забуду