getting over

Belarus is a beautiful country. But I don't miss it. It's funny how so many things that used to matter now don't anymore. Will the things that matter so much now, not matter in a year? I guess it depends if they are solid or fleshy. I love how the spiritual world is so much more real than the one our bodies live in now. Otherwise I don't even know what I'd think.
I want to go into a Belarus forest, field, and than swim in the deep icy river. Than go and gather blueberries and drink mint tea with honey straight from the bees.
Which reminds me of how horrible my quitting caffeine is going, I already drank 18 cups of coffees and teas for the past two days. I tried so hard staying on orange juice, than substituted it for tonic water (which is caffeine free of course) But somehow unrealizingly I poured myself those hot liquids and drank them and smiled and felt so happy and sleepy and energized and than I remembered that this wasn't supposed to happen. uh oh, whoops, oppss and ouch.
Oh well, I have an excuse. I have a child to take care of who doesn't go to day cares and who doesn't own a big tv, so with everything, I guess I'm done living caffeine free. Whatever.  not like it matters, I'll just double the meat and milk and carrots.
Same does not apply spiritually though about quitting, but it does apply on doubling. So everything is perfect, worried about the future, but that's alright. I'll get over it

looking in the mirrow

Wondering if maybe drinking so much orange juice and not being home is making me this happy. Or maybe it's because Monday I will be a legal driver. Or because thats just what the Lord does, He fills you up when you seek Him, when you walk in His holy fear. 

Grandmother went back home to Seattle this morning. I hate to say this but I am glad. It's hard to be with elderly people, and if you add different view points on different things and a critical attitude, than thats just called shut your mouth and live through the time you are with this person who has lived so much longer than you.

Or it's called look in the mirror and see how much alike you are, no wonder you clash. And maybe that's just what happened. Made me realize that being so critical, serious, and perfect is such a pain when taken out of balance. 

Okay I better stop writing, it looks like I'm on the verge of slipping into boring typical phrases. Can't seem to write what I say on this thing called blogger...

But to finish everything off, I will add one more overused phrase; 

I am happy. period. 

loosend

Just finished writing a beautiful long post and than I deleted it, there's no need to be serious for me this time, can't really learn to loosen up, just have to do it somehow. 
I'm working on stopping drinking caffeine. It's such a drainer, not meant for people much, unless you're traveling and you got all those time changes going on, which for the past two years I'm free of...Saddly. And happily, maybe this year I will grow up and not be so short. Bye bye 'gross' caffeine!! Hey Milk. Yes I'm a new diet. Drinking and eating lots of dairy and meaty products, I can't reach the airplane head compartments above if I stay this way. 
Same applies spiritually. Now, good night.

little things

What you won't say in someones face, don't write it. I can't stand reading overly punctually correct huge words and smart phrases types of writings. Yet before I try to take the speck of sawdust in someone's eye, I will try to take this log out out of my own eye first. Because I am too guilty of writing boring, long, meaningless, weird posts. What can I say? School must've ruined me with giving me high scores for my writings.
Can I just delete this whole blog and start over again? Just like I would like to do with the past 4 years in my life?
I'm so glad I'm getting this license...soon I will be able to ride away on a road trip for a day or two and just unload and come back and start again fresh, noticing new beautiful things, loving old ones, and treasuring everything, not taking these days for granted. The difference between just 'another' day & a very 'productive' day, is usually in your attention to the little things.

never really realizing

Loving this challenging weekend.
Although for me it was a distressing and tiring 2 days, but now I've come to realize that I love it.
 it's just staying joyful, happy and peaceful was what got me off balance. I tried the whole 'fake it till I make it' but it didnt work, I suck at being insincere.
And lately I can't stand people watching me when I feeling like crumbling and look like crap. But I guess thats the whole fun part.
 I know I used to stare at weird or ugly people more than at beautiful and talented ones, now I try not to stare at anyone, but there's nothing 'trying' about it actually. I just don't have time to notice. I've been really dazed lately.
tonight my driving was frightening me it's like I didnt feel pedals under my feet or my hands on the steering wheel. At least I got Shula fed and laid her to bed and she's really happy. I love her, & I love how she loves me when I'm a mess.
Now my very very very loved parents and esther are coming back in a few hours, and yes I'm being senseless and staying up too late to topple them down when they come through the door at some early AM hour of the night.
Enjoying every drippity drop of silence, grandmother and shula were driving me crazy both talking at the same time, thinking that whatever they were saying deserved the most profound and full attention. Can't they see that they'er both talking too loud and no matter how hard I tried I didn't hear either one of them?
Elderly people are so much like infants and toddlers. It's just like sunrise and sunset have so much in common. rising up and than disappearing into eternity...never really realizing

crippled

Since the week of my birthday and up until this very second, which would be a month overall, so many things that I have done, said, put out was critiqued and burned down.
Coming from a very tough family, as in harsh discipline and critique (along with strong love) I've come to love it and not understand how people could live on any looser levels.
and yet this month was a bomb.
Everything I anticipated and hoped for turned out differently, in a bad way.
It's almost as if, nothing could get worse, and yet it finds a way to.
What do I do? I laugh out of desperation and mental issues in my brain. And take a nap in any spare minute of the day. mental nap. feeling like a crippled 80 year old. Whatever happened with the youthful strength and joy? also I've been trying to drink milk for my bones.
I was always such a pure fantastic child, never doing anything that would deserve having a baby in my hands, which is an enslavement in a way. A baby gets born, that same day you bury yourself for the next decade. Giving up yourself and life for someone else to grow up and become and live. Giving up myself in this age, when I'm supposed to be doing something far different than raising a child and becoming mental. I just love my parents far to much to even mention this to them.
I don't want to think about this. Some call me immature when I even start to explain...They don't know. Some people just don't know.

Content

A content feeling rushes over me at times. Like this past 2 weeks. Maybe because I gave up trying. Gave up being. Gave up getting somewhere. Living day to day just making sure my family is happy and thats it. I lost a dream I lost my passion. The worst thing is that I'm so saddened that I became content. content with everything little and happy at most.
But where's that burning desire to go far. Where is that desire for those things I read about in the Bible. Where did I lose it? What did I do?
I want to climb a mountain, a hill..find a waterfall, and jump of into the air, water, space get hit with sharp sparks of ice water and the scales of tiny fish.
I want to wake up..Spring is the only season of the year that I'm not crazy about, yet right now, at this time just like Spring, I want to reawaken, refresh, get out of this dry and fried and frozen and withered season of life. I want more God.

spoke

The Lord has spoken. What a fool I was when I said He didn't. When I said I don't hear Him. He is faithful to the faithful....And He speaks. 

something bigger

I can't remain in this state. Change is ringing in my ears, and if thats the only thing that I hear than I will act upon it. I'll change everything I've built up. Focusing on Jesus, even if I don't see Him, even if I don't hear Him, but I know He's real, He's more real than the chair in front of me or the trees outside. There is something bigger going on outside of this earth, life, days.  we can't just remain content with where we are now.

when

There comes a time in life, or at least it has been around in my life as of right now, when you realize that you know absolutely nothing. When the future looks blurred, when you sit down to read and the letters cross over each other, when you're drawing and the pencil goes the opposite way that your pressing it to go, when you sit down to drink tea cause thats the last thing I know to do when Im stressed and the tea never gets made because there is no lemons, no coffee, and by the time I wash a load of dishes the tea pot gets cold again, and you don't have perseverance to re heat it. when you get in bed and shut your eyes and everything is black and you can't think and that gets you thinking and you get up with black dots covering everything feeling dizzy and faint. When you listen but you can't hear. When you pray and God doesn't answer. When you're finally asleep but you don't dream. When everyone around you seems to have gotten everything so well. When compliments stream through your mind like water through open hands because everything is so fake. When you try, but its like striving, getting you no where. Desperate tiny person, wilted old flower. I'm so tired, I feel like my soul has expired.
And the worst thing is I see how weak I am that in the middle of hardships mentally I give up. The real strong people are those who keep going cheerful in spirit and soul when everything is upside down. And I see that I'm not that.
So I keep silent. Silence is better than bitterness. I'm afraid, I feel like a heathen, I dont know whats happening. I don't know anything.

it's the sweetest thing to trust

There must be a reason why I am here in Jacksonville Florida. Because even though I'm happy to be here, this is the last place I wish I was at. But yet I am here, and have been here for almost 2 years.
There is something God planned for me here and I have no idea what. So that drives me a bit insane.
You know those times when you want to know whats going on and what will happen. To just organize and plan and know. But God's ways are a mystery and He wouldn't be God if I knew as much as He. The book of Job in the Bible says alot about that, and I've been reading and re-reading all those chapters of that book..
Yet.....ignorance is bliss. I have no idea what God holds in the future (and no I don't get visions and dreams like all those special happy people do, even though I want to so much)..not knowing whats ahead saves me  from something.
It's the sweetest thing to trust in Jesus. Now all I gotta do is really trust.

скептически и критически

 It's so much easier to be critical, negative, skeptical, and cynical, rather than being positive, trusting, loving...thus correct.

Well for the record I am home! Drinking amazing hot latte! watching music videos with Shula and Esther, playing guitar and singing songs, about to head out with everyone to go shopping for some stuff for the house. 

When I came back this morning, Shula hugged me and proclaimed to everyone that "Revekka is mine" than we drank lattes and drew pictures with crayons, Shula has the most beautiful creative ideas that I have ever seen. Yes, I find myself jealous. I love her..

period of absence

Here I am sitting on a big bed that is not my own. For the past two weeks I have been home for only 2 days. Two nights that I linger on. I want to be home, I want to drink homemade lattes on a new leather couch by the fire with parents and Shula cuddled in my arms. I want to hear their voices, their every single word. I don't even want to get out of the house and go anywhere, I'd rather sleep on a cold hard floor, or not even sleep at all, but be under the same roof with them rather than be on a huge soft bed surrounded by lots of pillows but being far away from them. I used to love independency, I still do. But for this one short month of parents being here, my two most loved people on earth, I want to be with them and no where else, with no one else.
But here I fall asleep again, in a room, in a house, in a bed, on a street, that is away from them.
You never know what you got till its gone...treasure it while you have it...

spare second

Crazy. Not a single spare second. Looks like a never ending ribbon of work. Thus tired.  I don't know what I'm doing writing this, I don't even know how it happened that I'm standing still. parents are leaving in a month, leaving Shula, dad is leaving on Saturday, coming back in 2 weeks, tons of guests, russians americans, a week in Georgia, I'm just a bit stressed...I need to get over it, there's nothing to stress about...everything is wonderful and beautiful and I am full of strength from Christ. I'm worn out, God is fresh and strong, I am sick, but God is full of health, He lives in me, and so whatever He is, I am also.

To our dear friend Nastiya Zemlanko, I read everything you write and no matter how I want to respond I never seem to send it of! Love you girl!!!

ignoring

I like giving people space and breathing room and choice, it's not iggnorance. I was never the type of person to shove my thoughts, ideas, compliments, remarks, or myself down people's throats. I was never the type of person to ignore either.
You know sometimes its hard to move when you don't know what might happen, that takes faith, and thats something I'm lacking, and not liking right now