where is the love

everyone gets confused, every single one out of the whirlwind of 6 billion.
everyone questions God, life at some point of their lives
questions start arising when something turns out not the way we wanted, wished for, hoped for. the questions form in our (dull) brains
(or were they there all the while?)
when we start feeling lonely, forgotten, left out, unneeded, undesired.
its hard to believe someone who says they've never delt with any one of those, but really, you have, we all have,
some have it worser some have it better, but we've all had the feeling when we'd rather die than live
I'm not saying that I'm experiencing that right now,
 but just taking a photo-quest from a year back in my life, I see it in my eyes and in the eyes of the surrounding people, not the supernatural love that we're supposed to be filled with, but, pain, loneliness, frozen-ness, confused, dazed
what is the root of the problem?
just pondering some things...wondering if something has changed, or are we still the same.
wondering when will we become the people we're supposed to be when we're with God and when we have 'resurrection power flowing on the insides'
where is that power? where is that love?

many regretful steps are made by standing still

afternoon naps

oh how I hate you afternoon naps!
 I'm not the only one who laid down just for 'a few minutes' to get over a head ache or a stomach ache or a stress ache, next thing you know, its like 6pm or so
and you feel like a complete failure
or idiot
now its 7pm and to wake up at 6am like I want to, I'd need to go to sleep at around 10pm,
except for thanks to the nap, I just lie in darkness staring out the window until 2am
than I somehow fall asleep, wake up at 10pm feel like an idiot
and the cycle repeats.
except no it will not
 no matter how much the urge to fall asleep at 2pm overtakes me
or how much my stomach burns or my head bursts open
I'll keep awake and do jumping jacks and turn on some kind of techno gulp down a bucket of coffee and  learn the art of staying awake at mid-noon.
hoping this will work...

10/26/09

a change of taste

since when have I fallen in love with old New jerusalem songs again?
I remember when I pathetic-nized them, ignoring and swiching them off completely
but now all of a sudden.
is this degradation? or is this an awakening of senses?
change of taste...
take a listen:
http://www.novij.com/audio/that_love.mp3

black walls

Saturday and Sunday I spent my day painting half of the kitchen, a fantastic glossy black colour.
minus the two church services on Sunday, other than that, I was splattered in black paint, looking like a sick Belarus tree, fulfilling my dream of painting a black wall, since I was 9.
and now that parents are gone, what better time than this?
and as soon as I find some more 5+ spare hours I will continue into the upstairs bathroom, also I still need to buy a lot of mirrors. than no more house decor for me, at least not now
yesterday I was talking to parents via skype and got yelled at for not being very productive for the past two weeks that they were gone, I fully agreed and bobbed my head, so, with this much said, I'm off to be 'productive'.
p.s. why black? you might ask.
no its not depression, loneliness, fear, anexiety, anger etc.
its just that, God knew what He was doing when He made the universe black, He has a lot better taste than you and I, so... .. I choose to copy Him. (Only Him)

object of your stare

who said that staring is rude?
to be the main object of someone's stare, to be the main object of someone's smile, it just feels good.

shut up and kill it

Poorly executed picture. Wish we could have delivered more realistincness in this photoshoot. At least it was fun and cheery:)

old music, still the best

Russian, Ukrainian, Belarusian old traditional music, stuff like 'radynitsa' or New Jerusalem's first album
I dont know how I'd live without it.
the feet start tapping, the hands start clapping, the heart starts beating, and hips start swinging
at the end its highly impossible to be left without a smile, refreshed mind and clean heart
I never thought that through this I could feel so much closer to God, such a deep sense of peace and relief,  an empty brain
the good kind of empty, where you dropped every fear and concern
and started living to love
loving God and people
all through music, cause music has the power to do so
I just simply love music where you cant be left standing frozen, when you just feel so renewed at the end.
dont panic, stop thinking, just give in to it
this little song strung a smile across my face and put a jump in my step:
http://www.novij.com/audio/bride.mp3
and also this one:
http://www.novij.com/audio/ill_praise.mp3
and this one:
http://www.novij.com/audio/song_of_songs.mp3
and the traditional belarus ones!
 all the sounds of my childhood, or half of it, cause the other half was, don potter, the best of all the best ever.

say one thing, think another thing.

I think two-faced people should die....can't say much more.

hope

Hope... do you even work? are you real?
every time I hope for something, it fails, every time I have no hope, it thrives
or do I get hope messed up with too much excitement?
I dont want to blame hope
I know that the problem lays in me.
I just think that I dont know the definition of hope, maybe the word hope has become too overused and abused.
oh God, 6 billion people and all we think about is I

again and again

does 'happy' always seems so superficial and childish? does it? maybe happy is superficial and without God its simply impossible and only children do experience it. So maybe thats why to some it seems superficial and childish.
on the other hand, being serious and down to earth really gets you no where. 
those 'adults' who tend to sqeeze out fake smiles with their perfectly white fake teeth for the first 5 seconds than they go back to their 'serious' face (makes their wrinkles stand out brilliantly) so fake!
 if thats them loving people, us, God, than I'd rather go unnoticed and unloved than covered by fakeness such as that. just so completely insincere, I wonder if insincere love even counts.
because God's definition of what really matters is preaty straight forward, He measures our lives by how we love. according to God we are here to love, not much else really matters
ahhh anyway.. I'm getting carried away into different broad topics that dont seem to make sense much do they?
what I'm really doing is air-drying my hair while Esther is trying to practice her abstract art
which just ended up in a huge purple heart as always
lately thats all she's been painting; hearts...and music notes
Im preaty much sure she's in love and I have very high suspicions with who
I should be reading a book, or studying or something
but I'm just so sleepy, my back hurts (too much sudden exercise again), and night church was good tonight..
I would hate to go to bed with wet hair, but I dont think these bones can hold this skin sitting any longer, 
good night!!!
I actually DO love everyone! every single one of you !
I guess I just dont know how to express it, sometimes...
and again I wish He would speak clearer to me, because without His directions I'm a just lost helpless child
or a gun that cant shoot nothing
or a pencil without led
a bottle of water without water
a book without pages
a candle without the wax
wine without fermented grapes 
a house without a bathroom
a guitar without strings
wet wood for a fire
winter without sweaters
and anyway
its just simply useless, impossible and highly dull.

art

An art piece cannot be wrong, or right. 
It can be liked or disliked, 
but that is not right or wrong. It can be poorly executed or well done, but this does not make it wrong or right. Art works simply are. There are no absolutes in Art

originality

(This especially goes out to all the gals out there)


What happened to originality?
what happened with expressing who you are and what you love?
I cant stand seeing people getting so obsessed with a person that they copy them to the core. they become obsessed with what that person, that they are obsessed with, is obsessed with
but in reality thats not them, thats not their inner selfs, heck it doesnt even match their face
I understand common interests, but I dont think it can naturally go as far as some people tend to take it
something is wrong with them trying to impress someone who they are impressed with, by being impressed with the same exact thing that the person that they are impressed by,  is impressed with.
I cant stand when people so pathetically copy.
lets be original.

seasons

AHHHH!!! first day of October! I love Fall!!
you know how people sometimes ask you like 'whats your favorite season?'
I dont have an answer to that, because I love them all so much!
ofcourse Winter is, and probably always will be, #1
but all my Summers always end up being interesting periods and turning points in my life
and than Fall, just amazing! finally the heat, humidity and stress of summer falls and you have a fresh, chilly,-filled, new-begaining, anticipation type of months, which is great
Spring....well, I'm not crazy about Spring, and no I dont 'spring into Spring' etc. as we all know its the month when we humans and animals and birds fall in love, which is a surprise to me, winter seems alot more romantic than Spring. But still Spring has this good side about it where you can start preparing for Summer, Fall and Winter...
thankfully for me Spring comes and goes fast so I dont see too much bad or good in it, just a lukewarm type of love for it.......
.....I dont know, Spring is, just blank, always has been and, hopefully, wont always be.
I love change...and winter
but now its Fall and I love it as well so I'll enjoy it like never before!

friends & memories

while cleaning out my itunes library,  I stumbled upon songs I recorded with my friend, piano/vocals/acoustic guitar. ofcourse it wasnt the best quality  (garageband middle of the night thing) 
but for the rest of the day that was the only thing I listened to
and than couldnt get that friend out of my mind
or should I say 'friend'
I hate to spend time with people, or 'friends' who just steal your time, get you no where, you get them no where, empty relationships, nothing comes out, except for a recorded song, that you listen to and although the lyrics are great, the memories never are.
I'm so sick of empty relationships. I've had enough, and I want to isolate myself, but isolation breeds deception so that isnt a solution.
maybe I just havent met 'my' people yet.
for now I'll just spend time with my family, they're the only ones who no matter what will always be my family, loved much and people who went through everything with me and are still by my side, people who love me for who I am, yet still never miss a chance to critic me and tell me what to change. people who are harsh to me yet loving.
and the truth is that, the loving truth and harsh words often go hand in hand
just like me and my most loved people will always.
I love my family, and the ofcourse I will never be isolated from people, I just love everyone too much 
oh and those garage band songs with my friends? I deleted them and emptied the trash