stronger

Not sure if this is an overused quote, or maybe I just think too much, but I think it was the Holy Spirit speaking to me when I heard the words I thought i knew:

Sometimes God places you out of place so that you could get in the right place with Him
This describes everything, or for me at least it does. I knew this, but at the same time I didnt, until I heard that echo all over me and it didnt go away until I wrote it down. 
Then the day collided on with going somewhere, being with someone, being someone, saying something, responding to some, eating, drinking, laughing.
 It's all a daze, I'm just happy that my love goes stronger and never weaker. 
Happy that I realize, and happy that He speaks. 
Rare, but He does speak. 
Happy that this is making my faith grow stronger and bigger. I dont even know what to say, or write, just want to go out and pray for someone in a wheelchair right now, someone with a headache, just want to spread this everywhere. I wish everyone could taste This, which taste I can't explain, just makes my spirt and soul drunk in a good way that makes me want to do what I've never done. I want it to stay like this forever... unless I can get more every single second of this stay on earth...can't last otherwise, this is true

passing by

Obviously  had no intentions or sparks in writing anything here about anything thats going on.
Shula amazes me how she's just hanging on and doesnt cry since parents left. So mature. That to some extent encourages me.
Really happy how parents can just be together by themselves doing the call of God. wish I could go away like that too.
Lifes just passing by and it seems like I should be something so much more than just being with a toddler all days long, cleaning, cooking at times, seeing people go on about their lives.
Don't understand why I'm here at all, don't understand why I get a baby on my hands when I never lived anything like a slutty lifestyle, what did I do to deserve this single premature motherhood?
Why do the people with no vision, no dreams, no plans, no revelation get time, get opportunities, go on about almost thriving. But the ones who do have a vision, ideas, revelation, seem to be shut down.
Maybe I'm just plain wrong and I don't see anything ahead. Maybe i'm just too narrow in my thinking.
lately I've just been plain illogical and degraded, dont take anything from reading this.

everyone knows

Guessing that some people who shouldn't have, went and read my blog, resulting in them thinking somethings really wrong with me, 
when in reality I am just too sincere, realistic (not pessimistic), and sadly at times selfish, which leads to problems I could avoid.

Okay and by now I'm feeling like I'm giving some kind of school report to I don't even know who. 
Oh yes, to those who think I'm digging myself a grave out in the cemetery.

God is so beautiful. He's changing me every single minute of the day. 
There is no need to worry, all you beautiful worried people out there. worry never did solve anything, just gets you deeper in a pit.

But it seems like everyone knows this already.

So I won't go on with this little joyce meyer sermon.

Really, give me a favor and don't create an image of me, based off of this blog.
Sometimes I wish people would want to get to know me. Cause I'd love to get to know them. This is true.

Today I managed to attend the russian church 'word of truth' right after the morning service  and got really surprised when my parents were the guest speakers. So I'm completely wiped tonight, but not like any other night is different. 

Children change lives. That is also true.

dependable insecurities

Whispering behind people's backs is never an effective way to communicate.

Don't you get that?

The only effective way to communicate is to let the fear of disaster go and say what you need to say. Even if things can go completely wrong and end up in a chaotic, confusing mess it is better to be honest and upfront than it is to hope someone will ask the right questions or say the right words.

People aren't dependable creatures; we're all plagued with the same insecurities.

The same worries.

The same biological functions that make abandoning what's inside our heads and hearts absolutely terrifying.

I am so fed up with the lack of communication that I witness between people everyday. And I'm saddened by the round about ways we've come up with in order to make honesty a group effort as opposed to an individual one.

I'm sure this is making no sense, but it makes sense to me (in my head, of course) and that's why I'm writing it down.

Don't hold me responsible for whatever you take from reading this.

Psalms

The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul; 

the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple;

The statues of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart;

The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes;

the fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever;

The judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether,

More to be desired are they than gold, yea than fine gold, sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb

Moreover by them Your servant is warned, 

And in keeping them there is great reward

Who can understand his errors?

Cleanse me from secret faults,

Keep back Your servant also from presumptuous sins

Let them have no dominion over me.

Then I shall be blameless

and I shall be innocent of great transgression

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart, 

Be acceptable in Your sight, 

oh Lord, my strength and my Redeemer.

rehabilitate un-forget

Silence is at times the best response to fools. Truth doesn't make a sound. & that is what I've been doing. Avoids way too many arguments over life's little moments. But little moments do make up life.  But that doesn't even matter.
Being all refreshed and somewhat changed this week. I love change, something I always look forward to at difficult moments. All hardships result in change at the end. Maturity and at times pride. Pride can be avoided though, through praise.
I forgot how amazing the ocean is, but my love for it was all reawakened this morning when I went there with david and shula. I'd go there everyday. And the streets there with all the shops and cafes and gelatos and pretty pavements and palm trees (for once they didn't get on my nerves) and just such a tourist atmosphere...one word; Rehabilitation. For sure. Or at least it is for me. For those short 1 hours a month. Which will be changed, planning to go there more often, and swim of course, I forgot how much I love swimming. Planning to stop forgetting too.

clearing

Well this day has been off to pretty much of a good start, for me, inside. And that's what I get for planning it out and promising to myself what I will be doing as I was falling asleep (that's how I put myself to sleep). Each day is like a clean mattress where you put on fresh clean crisp sheets and covers and pillows and pillowcases. So basically it's your very own decision how it'll go.
Now with Shula out of my way for an hour I'll go carry on...Everything seems to be clearing up so far inside of me (yeah I guess I can finally say that after I have really prayed and spent that time in that locked up closet just the way I am)
I always thought it would be so easy to act upon what you know you should do, but even now, knowing my situation and knowing why this is happening and know how to get go on to the next level, I seemed to still not do it. I don't even know. Guess I didn't want to be naive to my very own self. BUt now I don't even really care, so...good day, I just need to go on and go on and not stop on the very same day I started.

to people who really care

I can't stand these writings anymore, half of it is what comes to my fingers when I sit down and I see blogger and it's just random thoughts I think out when I come here to type, very rare there are those thoughts by which I actually do really live day by day. The truth is it's hard. Hard harsh life and if everything's alright in one area of life, the other area will suffer. It's true, if you're rich, people will use you, if you're poor people won't respect you, if people will love you, you will suffer family problems, if your family is great, than no one else really likes you, really it is true. These are just bland random reasons and examples. I know it all goes down deeper and in more different ways and problems but everyone has something that is suffering and that is worth shedding tears over. Just as much as there is things to be happy and thankful over, like a full family, or freedom of speech in our country, or money. But it never is perfect. That perfection comes from a deep relationship with Christ. When you have the Holy Spirit. When everything seems to be crumbling down and harshness fires at you like harshness does and you're blank and you can't tie words and sentences together, you can't even whisper a minute prayer, you can't eat or drink. At those times the only thing real is falling down and going on and on in the Holy Spirit. God sent us all the Holy Spirit as a comforter. There is no other way. No one can help at times. People are people, they will never really get you out of nowhere. It's all the relationship with Christ and the Holy Spirit and His supernatural power. That is all. There is nothing else in this world.
And I am desperate, I'm at a tipping moment in life where I know God is testing me in this time. It gets so hard for me, No one can understand, everyone is just scared that I have a depression. I know that one little word of complaint, one little act of unfaithfulness, one glance into the world and it's as if I haven't passed that test. That gets me so, I don't even know how to describe it. I guess I'm scared, because I know I have failed already no matter how hard I tried. And a huge confession is that I'm not filled with Him. I feel like such a nothing, I tried so many times, I'm so open, I pray and ask,  and I ask for people to lay hands on me and pray, and I proclaim, and now I'm just scared that I have so little faith. that makes me cry.  Which is what I'm doing now, which is why I'm not at church. Which is why I think I will quit going to church until I find Him, until I have Him, until I have that burning desire for Him. I don't want to fail this crucial point in my life and than end up living a mediocre little pathetic life for the rest of my life. If that will happen I will just jump off a bridge, to drown while shooting myself in the air.
I know this all might sound pathetic and sad, please, just don't take anything I write here too seriously. I know the end is near, in a good way, I know somethings gonna break open in me, and in everything around me. I know so.

blowing wind

Working on my flexibility, it's coming along so slowly...Don't feel like  writing long pointless thoughts, I've been thinking about the future alot lately... I'm so good at manipulating silently, I could of arranged it all for me to just live in Maryland where I connect and everything falls together, which I had 100 chance of doing so with all the living, people etc concerned.
But I didn't mention this to no one. SO,  here I am in Florida and I really want to know what the Lord is doing, I think He has something special for me here..., possibly to rearrange me into something different while I'm falling apart and running around with a toddler being a nanny and a cook and a cleaner with no one that I connect with, and where nothing I love gets done, it is what it is, old beautiful florida.
But I know something is going on. I know that the Lord won't leave me like this for the rest of my life.
I know that for sure, It's what brings me peace, that this is not forever, that something is happening everyday on the inside of me. And even beyond me and my situations, there is something beautiful, somewhere there are people who are faithful to the Lord, with whom God is pleased, people who are after His heart. Beautiful, stunning, talented, mature, burning, God people.
It's all so much bigger than what's in front of me everyday now that I have to live in one place and I'm not all that traveling around like I used to, in one place where I seem to connect with only Jesus. That's what keeps me going everyday for now...

inspired

I have been so inspired lately, by absolutely nothing but Christ in me. That excites me, inspiration from above excites me.
This easter, Resurrection Sunday, whatever people like to call it, was what really got it started. Both of my two cousins (who are also close friends, i love them two!) we drove at 6am to join some other people to praise Jesus, to celebrate that He is risen, in the beautiful hills, in the sunrise. Magnificent, at the same time, it was one of the most simple services I've attended in a long while.
Even if the rest of the day went on to be plain pointless dressing up, going to a packed up baptist church with hymns, choirs, poetry, and officially, nothing could ruin the spirit that started the whole day off in those hills praising Jesus. I felt like Mary who came to Jesus's tomb in the morning to find out He was risen.
I would, if I could, I think I should,  spend every single morning like that....
Other than that, We are back home, And I am drinking chamomile (not my favorite) to press down those nerves, stress, all those stinking little things that bite at me and add up and tempt me to explode. Not gonna let that happen.
reading the Word, dropping eye drops in my sticky poor scratchy sick eyes (sorry I know its gross), dropping nose drops in my stuffed nose, and of course; Shula the job that keeps me running 24/7. I'm at this point where I want her to grow up fast.
That's all.

vobshem

These last few days have been too much to put into words, most things that happened and rushed through my mind will be left unsaid, unwritten. 

I've experienced on my own flesh how painfully aggravating and stressful it is when a person talks to much, all their beautiful charisma goes flying out the window. Proves that balance means so much, much more than charisma and confidence.

Anyway. 

Getting off into thinking too much, sometimes there is no point in being this serious, and I have no idea how to get rid of that, I'm so annoyed by how much I don't get humor like 80% of the time, and than laugh at completely inappropriate times. 

And to conclude, I have just confused myself with this. That's what I get for typing in a car. Driving back to FL….

trip up

My computer has been very slow lately, so I did updates and it all ended with it not turning on and than a day of reinstalling and my sweet David fixing it up. So now I can finally type something off, so that I won't think it's weird that I've been getting new views each day, but not having new posts on here.
Right now I'm under confusion if I should join parents on a road trip up to Baltimore Maryland, visit my grandmother who is dying, see my aunt whom I haven't seen in 7 years, get to be with parents, rise my level of driving, get to go to h&m and ikea, see my cousins, and last and certainly most least, spend Resurrection sunday at a baptist church and an evening of Bible study with their pastor, Adam and their overly conservative-but-trying-too-hard-not-to-be youth.
Ofcourse with this list of arguments ( and ofcourse to be away from David and Esther) I'm basically just going to go.
I want to spend more time with my parents, especially now that they post-poned their trip for a week because of my grandmother's near death circumstance.
And ofcourse if we're talking about perfection, I'd fly to Ukraine with them even if being with them leaves me so stressed and tired that I over eat and over cook to stay living (cooking is a process which helps mental thoughts and eating it is what helps the cells and heart to function, my science study, you're welcome).
So now as I'm copying these slightly aggravating files back and forth, I'm a step away from getting a bag and throwing my things in there and being ready to go. Coming back in a week. This is what I needed. I think this trip will be failed and more than worth it. addios amigos!