There comes a time in life, or at least it has been around in my life as of right now, when you realize that you know absolutely nothing. When the future looks blurred, when you sit down to read and the letters cross over each other, when you're drawing and the pencil goes the opposite way that your pressing it to go, when you sit down to drink tea cause thats the last thing I know to do when Im stressed and the tea never gets made because there is no lemons, no coffee, and by the time I wash a load of dishes the tea pot gets cold again, and you don't have perseverance to re heat it. when you get in bed and shut your eyes and everything is black and you can't think and that gets you thinking and you get up with black dots covering everything feeling dizzy and faint. When you listen but you can't hear. When you pray and God doesn't answer. When you're finally asleep but you don't dream. When everyone around you seems to have gotten everything so well. When compliments stream through your mind like water through open hands because everything is so fake. When you try, but its like striving, getting you no where. Desperate tiny person, wilted old flower. I'm so tired, I feel like my soul has expired.
And the worst thing is I see how weak I am that in the middle of hardships mentally I give up. The real strong people are those who keep going cheerful in spirit and soul when everything is upside down. And I see that I'm not that.
So I keep silent. Silence is better than bitterness. I'm afraid, I feel like a heathen, I dont know whats happening. I don't know anything.
