Right now I'm giving Shula a bath. Kind of getting over the fact that I'm not going to Belarus in October. But instead parents are coming here in October and after Christmas (and after renewing our passports in D.C.) I'm flying with them out of the states. So this certainty makes me happy. After sometime, some people, start cherishing when someone else is in control. Like now, I'm glad parents are behind me dictating where I'm going and I don't need to decide that. My head is exploding and I'm thinking through so many things. It's ridiculous, I'm ridiculous.

Like even this blog isn't all sugar and happy like I wish it could be, instead its a huge snore of my head-aches. 
Cleaning out my mac's photobooth (webcam) pictures

I make a point of not wearing any makeup around kids

when i chopped my hair a bit too short

we always sing. and eat. and level the mac on one palm to take a picture .

this is something else

карта

Not done with this project yet, will post more pictures when done, I just like the process of getting that kind of paper.

What have my days become like...inside I have turned 60 years old, I feel like such an old soul.
My grandparents have been on my mind alot lately. Maybe that explains why I'm sketching my 5th drawing of an old man.


Finally around 2pm the day turns around towards my cherished time of the day; nap time for Shula, and as I lullaby her to sleep with some old russian worship songs. I nearly collapse into deep sleep with her for I am very exhausted.
But the picture of our deserted backyard sinks like some kind of evil into my mind and I can't help but jolt up from my almost-sleep and run stumbling outside to weed the yard for it is a mess, and it's driving me crazy.
So as I pull those darling weeds and get dirt seeped in through the gloves all up my finger nails (forget french manicures) I think of what has become of my days.
I get a sun burn from getting lost in thought, get up from the ground, tie up the trash bags, wash up, and with my now blistered fingers make myself coffee to stay awake in the middle of the day as I sketch my old man once again and plead to God for forgiveness for become so mundane and dull.


Maybe days like these sound alright to you, and I agree; there is no war, no starvation, no persecution (not here in America at least)
 But what's really killing me is the mundane same day after day plowing through. I didnt even tell you what my whole day really is like for I'm trying to keep myself awake here.


No, actually you know what? There is starvation. It's inside of me, I'm starving to death inside this dry dessert I've become.
I’d confess that I often have the urge to jump on the grocery cart as it hurdles toward the car in the parking lot, but that’s not something for confession.
The real confession is that I DON’T jump on my cart and ride it as it hurdles toward the car in the parking lot.
When did that stop being a cultural “ok” I wonder.


For once I watched with awe today as a Shula laughed and ran toward me. She was not outrageously excited about any one thing in particular. She was just in her body, moving from one place to another and expressing some unplaced and as yet unnamed joy.


I mourn that unexpressed joy. I know I still have it because I still want to jump on that cart. When I think of the roadblock, the voice in my head, that tells me to stop…don’t give in…control myself…when I think of that I feel sad.
I know there’s reward for being self controlled…I just think I’m choosing poorly. Self control as it applies to anger is good…but as it applies to joy…damn…let’s just live in that a little more, shall we?


Look for me in the parking lot, friends….

Follow your heart, believe in yourself, just be yourself; 

Honestly those are the most stupid prettiest phrases that we like to believe in. 

The New Testament constantly talks about 'putting on Christ' about Christ 'being formed in us' about our coming to 'have the mind of Christ' or 'dressing up' as a son of God

Believing in God, not your own self. Because we are nothing without Him, there's nothing to believe in if its just us alone, people fail.

Jeremiah 17:9 says 'The heart is deceitful above all things' So why would you follow it, and try to pursued others into it. If I followed my heart, I'd never get out of bed. Simple as that.

And I don't want to be myself,  I want to be like Jesus. I don't want to find myself, I want to find God, and lose all that I am in Him.

It's sad how so many people go around stuck with those 'yourself' phrases where they put all their reliance on themselves. 

Боюсь, что я тебя никогда не забуду

Standing here, mixing and whisking icing for the 4 cakes in the oven.  
Cooking slightly lets my tense out, you know, cracking the eggs, whisking the batter.
 Maybe Esther will get married soon. That would be good.
And as for me, in September I leave the states and fly off to Ukraine and Belarus, 
and this time I hope this is true, not just another empty promise or hope from my parents who are currently too busy for me. 
After Im done with these cakes, I will go cut, crumple, straighten and spray paint paper and hang it up all over an empty wall with something deep and meaningful written across it in my bad cursive.

You ever take a picture of yourself And see a stranger in the background?
It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures  of you.
 How many moments of other people's lives have we been in.
Were we a part of someone's life when their dream came true, or were we there when their dream died. Did we keep trying to get in? As if we were destined to be there? Or did the shot take us by surprise?
Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life and not even know it.

Here comes another fork ahead in this walk we call life.
2 decisions, both something I could be happy about, both something I could be down about, whatever I'll pick will dictate my near future year or so.
So I'm thinking, and I'm dazed. And even my own sister who's putting me (and my brother) out as idiots into the world by begging and yelling at us to go everywhere with her and than telling people how tired she is of us and how immature we are and how she needs to go places without her family, even all that seems like a haze thats drifting in the air every time I wake up from sleeping.
What is with that kind of logic I do not know, whatever little drama she's trying to play out doesn't seem to bother me, even if the current surrounding people here might think me and my brother are sad, confused, weird, immature, sensitive or whatever else has gotten into their minds while being with Esther.
All this I know for a fact. My relationship with Esther is really fun. She knows everything I'm thinking and doing and living. I know all of that about her too.
 At some point or another all those 'Don't tell anyone' or 'dont tell them' or dont tell her' come out between us over little time.
She reads all my emails, skype chats, facebook messages, she looks at all my pictures, files etc.. And guess what? I read all of hers.
I'm so sick of people not understanding and judging everything from one aspect.
Anyway.
I've been thinking...I don't know what argument to choose to pursued my parents into something. Something of which I'm not sure myself.
If staying in America is my final decision, than I could say that I need a break from Shulamite and get my education straight.
Or, if going back to Europe, I would tell them that I'm too young to live alone and I need parents ( or maybe I just want a change ) (or maybe a blank new page ) (or maybe to get away from people and their unnecessary pity and misunderstanding towards me)
I just need to realize where I need to be. I need to hear what God is saying and what He's seeing. Than it will be clear.
But as of right now...moving away sounds absolutely fantastic.

Everything gets better at some point or another. And when its so horrible, it can only get better.

Wednesday was just tiring.
Thursday was the biggest turn around that I've seen this year for me personally.
What happened?
Promise not to judge my sound mind and happiness please.
Went at around 3 to our russian very pregnant friend who's husband is away and they run a business so with papers, envelopes, highlighters, pens, calendars, stacking, organizing I spent the rest of the afternoon, Watching a happy sunset through the beautiful window and a grand piano as my help aid (since I suck at math)
Somehow I managed to not mess up anything and around 6pm said good-bye to Lena as she went off to a church band rehearsal (I will never fully understand those busy moms. I mean come on, due date 3 weeks away, a huge house, a little 7 year old, a husband with his planes flying around the world, managing a thriving business, hosting baby showers and birthday parties and leading worship. wait, I'm gonna go faint and come back and write some more)
As she went to sing, and play keys, and than organize a brunch till 12am for the musicians,
I went off into the kitchen to cook dinner for Liza and Leanna, two 7 year olds addicted with competition and the latest electronic gadgets and drowning in toys.
Later I went of to clean up, than we read school books, played wii and finally bedtime.
Than as the house was all dark and finally quite I went to scrub dishes and drink tea and sit around on skype.
Whatever that was, you call it a job, baby-sitting, helping out, for me it was reformation.
I was the happiest (still somehow am) person on earth as I got away from everyone and everything I knew into a completely different world. Because we all people live in different worlds. Especially if you're russian. And a quick side note; No you are not russian if you can say yes in russian, and no you're not russian if you are around them. In fact if you are not russian now, you will never be russian, so stop trying.
Everything different for a night, for half a day, even math seemed like a best friend for a while. Maybe I'm just a sucker for change, maybe thats not good.
Than friday, than saturday, than today as sunday, or monday I geuss. Not sure why but even the most aggravating things on earth make me happy and I go around singing at the top of my lungs everything I say.

Here is this place where there is no one who knows what you really mean when you're starting to say something beyond cliched phrases. But thats good. It's good to live through everything you're living through..It's good medicine for the soul when people slowly outcast you away from them just because they don't understand what you're saying...anyone out there ever feel this same way somedays?

2 years ago: 

July decided to start of with a harsh spit in my face today. Didn't really need that.
David came back from north carolina last night. I think this might be the first time in a long while that it's raining and I'm not excited much.
Sometimes people have this thing installed in them that when they do something hard, selfless, good, or when we are so persistent in doing hard, generous, good things, than we get some kind of reward, or maybe a good reputation or we have all those people loving us.
Something like a sow and reap mentality. I do something generous and hard, I get respect from people around me. and there's many examples of stuff we dont even notice that go flying through our minds at those 'selfless' moments of generosity and hardships.
 And nothing is really wrong with that..
 I just think that when we have it as an expectation of everything we do, than God will put you through a time, place, when you reap absolutely nothing for years except hearing someone else take the title as you go along plowing through everyday doing things you wouldn't normally do for someone else with sweat and sore bones and slight confusion of your missing glory moment.
that is just to get that heart in that right place. Who knows if all those things will ever be appreciated, known.
guess when we all get to heaven we'll see
That's what my whole summer has been about so far. Invisible, sore, and a huge slight ticked-off-ness when I see people whine and complain.
All the while catching myself at moments doing the same and than feeling like beating myself up.
So as a conclusion, I decided to start aggravating the devil by going around each day with joy and humbleness praising the good Lord. Because, that's simply the only  working option.