28th Dec. and parents

Wish I was with my parents in Kiev Ukraine yesterday. It was my dad's birthday, Dec. 28, a special day, and I just wish I was there. They moved into an apartment, a very good one for the record, on the 21st floor, with an interesting view from the window and just everything so interesting. We called them yesterday and sang our hearts out with a happy birthday song to him, and than dad said that 'Rebecca would love it here".
Of course I would.
I woud love to be with them, I would love to learn and watch them, I, unlike so many other people, actually take a huge example from my parents and especially my mom. They're defiantly the coolest and best.
A day is coming, I'm sensing its very soon, when I'll pack up my stuff and be on my way there, I know so, my parents are awaiting for me there already and they told me they need my help, so before Esther and david, I will first go there.
Just have to finish this school up fast. Don't even care how I'll finish, as long as its fast, don't care about the junk they've been teaching lately. I'd rather learn from life experience. Don't think its foolish, just maybe young to think so. I can always go back and re study all of this if I'll need it. ever.

wall of pictures

Sitting here, drinking and eating a cookie...looking at the wall in front of me. Its almost fully covered with pictures. Other than thinking that everywhere we go we end up pasting and putting up pictures everywhere. But other than that I thought I look at what and who is on those pictures.
So many people whom we've made a difference in and they made a difference in us. Mostly our Belarus church people. I miss them.
Humble, sweet, fun, creative people. So self-forsaken and God loving.
Surviving each day with God's grace. How firmly they hang on to God and believe, believe in the Unseen.
Unseen, but not Un-felt. Indeed God is possible to feel. To feel His spirit flooding into ours.
I feel so much peace just sitting here and thinking of those people. Could it be the atmosphere in them captured on picture, being translated through paper and flooding into this room? flooding into me? calming, charming...
Could be, could be...

passion and perseverance repeat

Something that I wrote a few months ago, kinda wanna repeat it, its just so relevant as of today:
"Passion makes people beautiful. I can't stand how much I love it when I see people passionately doing whatever task that they have to do in life. especially music.
God created us to be passionate at all the good, great worthy things we ever have to do. every task.
weather it'd be washing floors, making coffee, planting a tree, picking someone of at the airport, swimming, writing, drumming, rollerblading,  greeting, eating a donut...
At everything.
I just hate to see when people carry it too far. but everything we do and don't do should have balance.
just like perseverance. perseverance is great and good and something we shouldn't over look, but guys, and gals too, please don't carry out your perseverance on each other in hopes of becoming someones significant other. thats where perseverance become aggravating, irrelevant, and just too much. Just like passion. This is not a subject where you have to 'knock and the door will be open, ask and it will be given unto you'
no. you tried 3 times in coming up and chatting, it doesn't roll (especially when 'you-know-who' hints that you're not their type), you drop it and move on.
seriously some people need to get some class, kiss the past and invest in a dictionary." 

just a prisoner of hope

With so much to say I often find myself saying nothing at all. Or too much at times when it would have been wonderful to shut up. 

Belief over misery, reminding myself. pessimism aggravates me..not only in other people, but also and especially in me. 

Prisoners of hope thats what we ought to be. A prisoner of hope..

Pondering...wondering

I come to understand that I know nothing.

Eating a glazed donut. Gulping steaming hot coffee in a crystal cold glass.

I wish I knew what all the days ahead will bring.

arrogance

Can't stand when people tell me I'm arrogant, or rude, or stuck up, or snobbish (although I do appreciate their sincerity...). But I cant stand it, especially when they wrap their little sentence up with 'and people never like those kind of people so..'

And I fully agree with them, I really do. And also I don't see a way out.

When people are treating me like a piece of charity project (like last night) thats my natural and only response; unconsciously.

If only there was a way to control that, and hide whatever piece of arrogance I might have.

 next time I might as well stay home
Except for I also fully realize that, not going anywhere, is impossible.

grateful

Grateful.. No matter how many attempts I have made at so many things and most of them didnt succeed. What I love the most and earnestly try to grasp, doesn't seem to be in my hands currently. And who knows if it will ever be. I try and fail. I take everything too seriously and I can't relax. I care too much about people and their problems. I'm full of so many flaws and I can't to seem to let go.
And still...realizing all of this, I fully am grateful. Not for myself, but for those around me.
For those who unselfishly and full of sincere love set for me an example...without possibly even realizing it. I might just go ahead and say that I'm grateful for the Zink family, for pastor Paul and Sharon Zink. I love them so much, not only for all they had done, and taken us out, and given us the perfect Christmas gifts for as long as I can remember.
I love them for them just being them, the natural amazing people that they are.
They have most defiantly played a major role in my life. And the saddest thing is that words can never describe, never ever describe how much I love them.
And how grateful I really am.

Also I really hate how this whole thought came out sounding, like some kind of Christmas essay. Not what I wanted, but this cold thats freezing my hands makes me just finish this up and, ah who cares if it's perfect or not?
Although I wish it was...

long random thoughts

be prepared, this post might not be uplifting, fun, or cheerful. And I hate that. Because I like happy. I like cheerful. I like joy. No, I love joy.
So this post might not even be worth a read.
And another thing I really can't stand is when people make long dumb intro's into their tiny blogs and posts, really, no one cares.
people tend to care more about themselves, and maybe sometimes, their family, or their other few, three or less, loved ones. But that is it. Than we tend to take it out to impress each other, prove something, stand out, be better.
There are people, and it is very rare, that are so loving, self-denied, but also interesting as individuals and they just treat everyone on the same level, not putting anyone on a pedestal or bringing someone down to  below floor level. Those are rare and few. And I love them, I want to be like them.
Those are usually the people who have lived long and hard. They have learned something throughout decades of years. I truly want to be friends with them, the elderly have something....they have something that we young people shouldn't overlook.
Of course not all elderly. Not all at all. There are some, God forgive me, dumb elderly. Their character, personality, what they have to say, has not at all summed up to their old appearance and experience in life. I don't believe that wisdom comes from experience. Unless we analyze it and bring the hard lesson learned out of it.
This whole post is confusing me. In everything may God's will be done and who am I to judge?
I might be wrong.
Thus much said, I'm off to get ready for work tonight, coming back past midnight, I hope all goes well.

human sculptors

Don't exactly agree with this, would twitch it around, add some, detract some, but mostly this whole thing is truthful, and describes way too many people I know and don't know.

несколько новых новостей

Forgot to remember that it is December already
my left hand has a huge burn from making coffee, on that exact same hand, all my fingers are blistered from guitar and weed pulling.
front yard pretty much clean, alas my guitar isn't coming along as wonderfully
I have learned two songs and I play them as if I've never learned them,
sometimes I wish that we didnt have to put in so much effort to get what we want, love need, to get where we want to be.
school... almost done, this is my last year! Thankfully God gave me a revelation on what to do with my future education, I now am not going crazy wondering about the countless options of what to do with life and work and education. So thank YOU LORD!!!! I'm free indeed:)

this Christmas, this Winter

Can't stop thinking about snow... and cups of chocolate, crackling fires, freezing weather, christmas music, parties, everything that has to do with the holidays and what people tend to do to make it more special than any other October day.
Seeing clearly that, no, thats not what the orphaned (not really) threesome of the Brukhs will be doing this Winter (well at least not me, Esther said she plans on going to parties and celebrating with people). Currently no one is agreeing with me to go to maryland to our relatives and cold snow, it all just hangs around like an idea, or a joke, which soon will be to late to become reality even though our relatives our begging us to come.
But really, what is the whole idea behind winter and Christmas? No I'm not going to grill you like so many elderly people tend to do with the whole idea that 'Christmas is more than just gifts and snow and fun' But I will agree with them fully.
This Christmas will be different, certainly alot less 'celebrating & parties etc.' But certainly alot more love and kindness and selflessness will exist in me than ever before. This season really is all about Jesus, and how He unselfishly and lovingly came to rescue the world. There is so much to say, blogs would never do the job properly.
This isnt the first Christmas without our whole family together. So this isnt anything drastic, like some people tend to think it is. The attention of those worried people is nice, although rather illogical, we're not handicapped 4 year olds begging for bread we're rather mature  enough to take care of ourselves and spend our days doing tons of reasonable work that we would never get to do if Shula was in the way, or parents.
This season will be quite. maybe even some might call it dull, sad.  But personally for me it will be the time to start like never before loving unselfishly. And personally for me, thats rather exciting.

one real friend

This is Esther and I at some place 1 or 2 years ago in Kiev Ukraine.
 I have let the thought of her being my best friend, the one and only, slip through my brains for now. I know, not the most typical thing to do..but
seriously who can be closer other than God and Family, I have discovered that hardly no one, or I just haven't met anyone yet

немного слов с недели

There is something I want to write here..very much. But I know I shouldn't. And So anyway, I won't.
This week has been full of many great things, as well as the most stupidest and illogical.
I still cant get over how people tend to copy, out of all the people,  me, and especially when females attempt to do so, ...lets talk about wanna-be's, a pretty bad title to end up with if you ask me.
God's presence over-whelms me, the only thing that keeps me living, its like a breath of fresh winter air after being locked up in an unconditioned barn all summer. Actually its alot better, My words escape me when I attempt to describe such a thing, no one will ever understand until they experience it.
just the same with kids, no, you will never, ever know what its like unless you have one of your own
I know I sound deprived, I miss Shula, no matter how much I'm enjoying all this time without her.
 its interesting how sometimes we want two completely different things at one time.
its illogical in my case to have so much time, ideas and projects and plus to that live with a baby, such as Shula 24/7 under one roof. that my dear is impossible and I fully realize that
I hate wanting the illogical
and that doesnt just apply with Shula in my case.
and I guess I better stop here

late nights late mornings

last night at 12:00am was my last work day for now. Maybe after Christmas break I will continue again, but for now I will be waiting, hoping and praying that they will call me again and I can earn a penny or two. actually they pay really good and I love them, overlooking their snobyness and arrogance.
and you probably wont ever beleive if I said that its all about baby-sitting and house cleaning, but yep, thats what I have been busied to death with. extremely tired and almost creativity deprived at the end.
coming home from work at 1am isnt the greatest surge of happy feelings, its the long hours of planning what I will be doing ahead is what sparks up my mind and heart once again.
this morning I finally got to talk with parents again after a long time, they are back in Kiev, and somewhere in spring they will come back home to Florida to us and the church , but than we're of once again.
 this time I'm probably heading with them....but that is still a maybe.
Its all in God's Hands and I'm so exuberantly thankful  from  the depths of my soul for the provision that He supplies us here and there.

Come unto Me

"Come unto Me. Come unto Me, You say. All right then, dear Lord. 
I will try in my own absurd way. In my own absurd way I will try to come unto You, a project which is in itself by no means unabsurd. 
Because I do not know the time or place where You are. And if by some glad accident my feet should stumble on it, I do not know that I would know that I had stumbled on it. And even if I did know, I do not know for sure that I would find You there. … And if You are there, I do not know that I would recognize You. And if I recognized You, I do not know what that would mean or even what I would like it to mean. I do not even well know who it is you summon, myself.

For who am I? I know only that heel and toe, memory and metatarsal, I am everything that turns, all of a piece, unthinking, at the sound of my name. … Come unto Me, You say.
 I, … all of me, unknowing and finally unknowable even to myself, turn. O Lord and Lover, I come if I can to You down through the litter of any day, through sleeping and waking and eating and saying goodbye and going away and coming back again. laboring and laden with endless histories heavy on my back."
— Frederick Buechner (The Alphabet of Grace)

look ahead

teplota & films

is it okay that sometimes I feel like all of this is completely irrelevant,
sometimes I feel like I'm so low...
so, God forbid, lukewarm.
lukewarm, I hate that, I even hate that word itself.
its the worst thing that I'd ever want to happen to me, I'd rather be a sick wheel chaired retard, but be passionately burning, rather than be whole and well and be so..regular and lukewarm
but no matter how I hate it it, yet somehow it lurks upon me...this time I wont let it, I wont ever let it happen again
set apart holy...if we as 'christians' would stay away from buying some things and going to the theaters to see stuff like transformers, star trek, twilight, than maybe it wouldnt be best selling
and than what is the thing with christians watching that trash? its the most revolting thing I've ever seen, according to the trailers. revolting. so. stupid.
God its like they're blind.

Romans 10:14-15

How then shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? and how shall they believe in Him of whom they have not heard? and how shall they hear without a preacher? and how shall they preach, except they be sent? 

zamorojiniye yagada

my head is crackling and ripping in tension, just thinking of the people in my life, the ones who are in Belarus, the ones who are in America.
such completely DIFFERENT people. it amazes me that they all live in the same era, in the same world.
I'd never survive being God

not just another week, or maybe it is

Well, for the past few days and weeks which I haven't blogged, happened some thing which are worth writing about, but my memory is short and I just cant remember now, on the other hand, maybe it just doesnt matter
Monday.
ehh.. lets breath in deep and remember not to forget everything that happened yesterday.
 listening to David makes me laugh, I wish I could have such fun and fat conversations with other people like that as well, sadly everyone takes everything too seriously and some just dont take anything seriously at all...
listening to parents and Shula via skype everyday makes me go silently crazy. I do miss them. and I do think it would be easier if I went with them to Kiev.
Dont even know how to start describing everything happening, dont know..dont know dont know.
thats all

where is the love

everyone gets confused, every single one out of the whirlwind of 6 billion.
everyone questions God, life at some point of their lives
questions start arising when something turns out not the way we wanted, wished for, hoped for. the questions form in our (dull) brains
(or were they there all the while?)
when we start feeling lonely, forgotten, left out, unneeded, undesired.
its hard to believe someone who says they've never delt with any one of those, but really, you have, we all have,
some have it worser some have it better, but we've all had the feeling when we'd rather die than live
I'm not saying that I'm experiencing that right now,
 but just taking a photo-quest from a year back in my life, I see it in my eyes and in the eyes of the surrounding people, not the supernatural love that we're supposed to be filled with, but, pain, loneliness, frozen-ness, confused, dazed
what is the root of the problem?
just pondering some things...wondering if something has changed, or are we still the same.
wondering when will we become the people we're supposed to be when we're with God and when we have 'resurrection power flowing on the insides'
where is that power? where is that love?

many regretful steps are made by standing still

afternoon naps

oh how I hate you afternoon naps!
 I'm not the only one who laid down just for 'a few minutes' to get over a head ache or a stomach ache or a stress ache, next thing you know, its like 6pm or so
and you feel like a complete failure
or idiot
now its 7pm and to wake up at 6am like I want to, I'd need to go to sleep at around 10pm,
except for thanks to the nap, I just lie in darkness staring out the window until 2am
than I somehow fall asleep, wake up at 10pm feel like an idiot
and the cycle repeats.
except no it will not
 no matter how much the urge to fall asleep at 2pm overtakes me
or how much my stomach burns or my head bursts open
I'll keep awake and do jumping jacks and turn on some kind of techno gulp down a bucket of coffee and  learn the art of staying awake at mid-noon.
hoping this will work...

10/26/09

a change of taste

since when have I fallen in love with old New jerusalem songs again?
I remember when I pathetic-nized them, ignoring and swiching them off completely
but now all of a sudden.
is this degradation? or is this an awakening of senses?
change of taste...
take a listen:
http://www.novij.com/audio/that_love.mp3

black walls

Saturday and Sunday I spent my day painting half of the kitchen, a fantastic glossy black colour.
minus the two church services on Sunday, other than that, I was splattered in black paint, looking like a sick Belarus tree, fulfilling my dream of painting a black wall, since I was 9.
and now that parents are gone, what better time than this?
and as soon as I find some more 5+ spare hours I will continue into the upstairs bathroom, also I still need to buy a lot of mirrors. than no more house decor for me, at least not now
yesterday I was talking to parents via skype and got yelled at for not being very productive for the past two weeks that they were gone, I fully agreed and bobbed my head, so, with this much said, I'm off to be 'productive'.
p.s. why black? you might ask.
no its not depression, loneliness, fear, anexiety, anger etc.
its just that, God knew what He was doing when He made the universe black, He has a lot better taste than you and I, so... .. I choose to copy Him. (Only Him)

object of your stare

who said that staring is rude?
to be the main object of someone's stare, to be the main object of someone's smile, it just feels good.

shut up and kill it

Poorly executed picture. Wish we could have delivered more realistincness in this photoshoot. At least it was fun and cheery:)

old music, still the best

Russian, Ukrainian, Belarusian old traditional music, stuff like 'radynitsa' or New Jerusalem's first album
I dont know how I'd live without it.
the feet start tapping, the hands start clapping, the heart starts beating, and hips start swinging
at the end its highly impossible to be left without a smile, refreshed mind and clean heart
I never thought that through this I could feel so much closer to God, such a deep sense of peace and relief,  an empty brain
the good kind of empty, where you dropped every fear and concern
and started living to love
loving God and people
all through music, cause music has the power to do so
I just simply love music where you cant be left standing frozen, when you just feel so renewed at the end.
dont panic, stop thinking, just give in to it
this little song strung a smile across my face and put a jump in my step:
http://www.novij.com/audio/bride.mp3
and also this one:
http://www.novij.com/audio/ill_praise.mp3
and this one:
http://www.novij.com/audio/song_of_songs.mp3
and the traditional belarus ones!
 all the sounds of my childhood, or half of it, cause the other half was, don potter, the best of all the best ever.

say one thing, think another thing.

I think two-faced people should die....can't say much more.

hope

Hope... do you even work? are you real?
every time I hope for something, it fails, every time I have no hope, it thrives
or do I get hope messed up with too much excitement?
I dont want to blame hope
I know that the problem lays in me.
I just think that I dont know the definition of hope, maybe the word hope has become too overused and abused.
oh God, 6 billion people and all we think about is I

again and again

does 'happy' always seems so superficial and childish? does it? maybe happy is superficial and without God its simply impossible and only children do experience it. So maybe thats why to some it seems superficial and childish.
on the other hand, being serious and down to earth really gets you no where. 
those 'adults' who tend to sqeeze out fake smiles with their perfectly white fake teeth for the first 5 seconds than they go back to their 'serious' face (makes their wrinkles stand out brilliantly) so fake!
 if thats them loving people, us, God, than I'd rather go unnoticed and unloved than covered by fakeness such as that. just so completely insincere, I wonder if insincere love even counts.
because God's definition of what really matters is preaty straight forward, He measures our lives by how we love. according to God we are here to love, not much else really matters
ahhh anyway.. I'm getting carried away into different broad topics that dont seem to make sense much do they?
what I'm really doing is air-drying my hair while Esther is trying to practice her abstract art
which just ended up in a huge purple heart as always
lately thats all she's been painting; hearts...and music notes
Im preaty much sure she's in love and I have very high suspicions with who
I should be reading a book, or studying or something
but I'm just so sleepy, my back hurts (too much sudden exercise again), and night church was good tonight..
I would hate to go to bed with wet hair, but I dont think these bones can hold this skin sitting any longer, 
good night!!!
I actually DO love everyone! every single one of you !
I guess I just dont know how to express it, sometimes...
and again I wish He would speak clearer to me, because without His directions I'm a just lost helpless child
or a gun that cant shoot nothing
or a pencil without led
a bottle of water without water
a book without pages
a candle without the wax
wine without fermented grapes 
a house without a bathroom
a guitar without strings
wet wood for a fire
winter without sweaters
and anyway
its just simply useless, impossible and highly dull.

art

An art piece cannot be wrong, or right. 
It can be liked or disliked, 
but that is not right or wrong. It can be poorly executed or well done, but this does not make it wrong or right. Art works simply are. There are no absolutes in Art

originality

(This especially goes out to all the gals out there)


What happened to originality?
what happened with expressing who you are and what you love?
I cant stand seeing people getting so obsessed with a person that they copy them to the core. they become obsessed with what that person, that they are obsessed with, is obsessed with
but in reality thats not them, thats not their inner selfs, heck it doesnt even match their face
I understand common interests, but I dont think it can naturally go as far as some people tend to take it
something is wrong with them trying to impress someone who they are impressed with, by being impressed with the same exact thing that the person that they are impressed by,  is impressed with.
I cant stand when people so pathetically copy.
lets be original.

seasons

AHHHH!!! first day of October! I love Fall!!
you know how people sometimes ask you like 'whats your favorite season?'
I dont have an answer to that, because I love them all so much!
ofcourse Winter is, and probably always will be, #1
but all my Summers always end up being interesting periods and turning points in my life
and than Fall, just amazing! finally the heat, humidity and stress of summer falls and you have a fresh, chilly,-filled, new-begaining, anticipation type of months, which is great
Spring....well, I'm not crazy about Spring, and no I dont 'spring into Spring' etc. as we all know its the month when we humans and animals and birds fall in love, which is a surprise to me, winter seems alot more romantic than Spring. But still Spring has this good side about it where you can start preparing for Summer, Fall and Winter...
thankfully for me Spring comes and goes fast so I dont see too much bad or good in it, just a lukewarm type of love for it.......
.....I dont know, Spring is, just blank, always has been and, hopefully, wont always be.
I love change...and winter
but now its Fall and I love it as well so I'll enjoy it like never before!

friends & memories

while cleaning out my itunes library,  I stumbled upon songs I recorded with my friend, piano/vocals/acoustic guitar. ofcourse it wasnt the best quality  (garageband middle of the night thing) 
but for the rest of the day that was the only thing I listened to
and than couldnt get that friend out of my mind
or should I say 'friend'
I hate to spend time with people, or 'friends' who just steal your time, get you no where, you get them no where, empty relationships, nothing comes out, except for a recorded song, that you listen to and although the lyrics are great, the memories never are.
I'm so sick of empty relationships. I've had enough, and I want to isolate myself, but isolation breeds deception so that isnt a solution.
maybe I just havent met 'my' people yet.
for now I'll just spend time with my family, they're the only ones who no matter what will always be my family, loved much and people who went through everything with me and are still by my side, people who love me for who I am, yet still never miss a chance to critic me and tell me what to change. people who are harsh to me yet loving.
and the truth is that, the loving truth and harsh words often go hand in hand
just like me and my most loved people will always.
I love my family, and the ofcourse I will never be isolated from people, I just love everyone too much 
oh and those garage band songs with my friends? I deleted them and emptied the trash

ache

today I had 2 strange things happen
not only two strange things, actually today was strange the whole day
but two things that I cant figure out is, the aches.
the first one was a heartache. like my heart very suddenly stung with such an ache, I couldn't breath with my nose, hardly could breath with my mouth just very slowly. I collapsed on the floor against the wall and tried to calm down. the worst thing was that I was in the midst of taking Shula out of the bath when it happened so I put her back down into the bathtub and sat down, hoping that she wouldnt freak out.
the first thing that came to my mind was pray. and so I did and in 2 minutes I was alot better so I stood up and finished everything up.
I have no idea whatsoever what that could have been. it wasnt like an emotional heartache tears and fears etc. it was like a headache only on my heart and if I had ice I would totally wrap it around, because it hurt so much.
esther said its stress or something like that..
and than the second one, I was dressing shula to go outside and very suddenly my eye gripped with such intense hurt I had to shut it, but that made it worser so I opened it. and ofcourse prayed.
all because of God, in less than a minute the pain let go, as everything always does when God intrudes.
so my point is, what are all these pains about?
oh and than for the rest of the evening I had a headache. so esther suggested to go on a long walk (and as always its in the middle of the night) and so we just came back. the weather was finally chilly and cold and amazing. so much like belarus, poland and europe:) that makes me feel so warm inside!!!
GHSISUDAHHHHHJJMMMMMJDGMHGHFGJHAPPINESSSSSSAHHHHHHHMMMMMM!!!
Shula fell asleep (dont like the fact that she goes to bed at 11pm, this could become a problem), I'm going to try tackling some of my schoolwork right now. I highly doubt that it will work though. I need some sleep..
well if you happen to know what these aches represent, please tell me so.
and as for now,  spokoniy nochi:)
(aka good night)

David's 20th

Such a simple, nice, great day. so grateful for this family. for all of them. no matter what. I love them so much and all the time we spend together going through so much, words will never describe.

I could just spend the rest of my life with them and be happy forever. But thats not the way it goes ofcourse.

David is 20 today, can't believe it. I still think he's 17...

I remember someone mentioning that girls mature 3 years ahead of guys? this might just be true.

hate sounding like such a little sister...

wish we could have spent more time downtown tonight.....

passion and perseverance

Passion makes people beautiful. I can't stand how much I love it when I see people passionately doing whatever task that they have to do in life. especially music.
God created us to be passionate at all the good, great worthy things we ever have to do. every task.
weather it'd be washing floors, making coffee, planting a tree, picking someone of at the airport, swimming, writing, drumming, rollerblading,  greeting, eating a donut...
At everything.
I just hate to see when people carry it too far. but everything we do and don't do should have balance.
just like perseverance. perseverance is great and good and something we shouldn't over look, but guys, and gals too, please don't carry out your perseverance on each other in hopes of becoming someones significant other. thats where perseverance become aggravating, irrelevant, and just too much. Just like passion. This is not a subject where you have to 'knock and the door will be open, ask and it will be given unto you'
no. you tried 3 times in coming up and chatting, it doesn't roll (especially when 'you-know-who' hints that you're not their type), you drop it and move on.
seriously some people need to get some class, kiss the past and invest in a dictionary.

chosen

It's amazing to me that God choose me. I don't think I would have chosen me.

glad how He works with not only the indescribably awesome but with what the world would reject and throw away as trash.

perfect much

I wonder if these chocolates taste as perfect as they look. and there are people who I wonder if they are as perfect as they look.
 If they taste as perfect as these chocolates. Of course no matter what I hear, I still want to get to know them, same with these chocolates, no matter what anyone said about how they taste, I would still want to try them. Especially the 'dark chocolate with rum and raisin' mmmmm

less and less asleep

Wish I didn't care much about acting and looking like a fool. theres much for me to undergo to get to that point.
Aggravated at how after listening to some songs, the lyrics get stuck in my head and I address all life points with those lyrics..
not worth it, who knows what the musician was getting across as he was writing his songs. 

every great day

I'm taken back a bit at how very clever God is. When you entrust yourself fully to Him and say that 'its all in Your hands' its amazing at how perfectly he makes all things come together. And I am so glad that I didnt intrude into God's plan of how I want my future to be, because if I did, it would be a worthless, boring, empty, stupid, hard, foolish, little, pathetic life.
Its Monday, a day that most people hate. But I love it, every single day has become so exciting. It doesnt even matter now if its Thursday, Sunday or Monday or Tuesday, every single day has become special, interesting and exciting. Even though nothing much has changed.
But change starts from the inside. And nothing will ever be the same once the change on the inside occurs.

up ahead

October 14. The day when the people in Kiev want us to be there already.
Why have I always thought that our move there is so far of?
right now its so realistically close, it makes me nervous, or excited. exuberant, confused, loose of appetite, loose of concentration. lack of any desire to pack, which is strange, packing was always fun.
I guess I just fell in love with Jacksonville Fl too much. Now that we have a house here, and the amazing church New Life, its harder than ever to pack and leave in the midst of everything being finally a tiny bit settled.
On the other hand, I AM excited about Kiev! God has prepared so much there, we are going there to do such a vast work, and I can hardly wait to set my foot off the airplane and actually be breathing and walking in Kiev Ukraine, I've aways loved that place.
My heart is beginning to tear apart a bit.
I guess we all have these moments where you want to stay where you are, but at the same time, to move on .
we all have had the feeling of wanting to be at 2 places at once.
but.
all I want to do is what God wants me to do.
and I cant wait to do so.

traveling...life..

Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends.
 You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things - God, air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky - all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it. 

house decor

When you move to a different country, your personal style goes with you, house decor to be exact. Now that we've bought a house here in Jacksonville Fl, sometimes if I shut my feelings out and look around and take everything in, it feels like I'm back at our our house in Belarus Minsk, the decor is different yet so much the same. so much like our Brukh family feel. doesnt matter that we're in America, it still feels like Belarus inside