I can't stand these writings anymore, half of it is what comes to my fingers when I sit down and I see blogger and it's just random thoughts I think out when I come here to type, very rare there are those thoughts by which I actually do really live day by day. The truth is it's hard. Hard harsh life and if everything's alright in one area of life, the other area will suffer. It's true, if you're rich, people will use you, if you're poor people won't respect you, if people will love you, you will suffer family problems, if your family is great, than no one else really likes you, really it is true. These are just bland random reasons and examples. I know it all goes down deeper and in more different ways and problems but everyone has something that is suffering and that is worth shedding tears over. Just as much as there is things to be happy and thankful over, like a full family, or freedom of speech in our country, or money. But it never is perfect. That perfection comes from a deep relationship with Christ. When you have the Holy Spirit. When everything seems to be crumbling down and harshness fires at you like harshness does and you're blank and you can't tie words and sentences together, you can't even whisper a minute prayer, you can't eat or drink. At those times the only thing real is falling down and going on and on in the Holy Spirit. God sent us all the Holy Spirit as a comforter. There is no other way. No one can help at times. People are people, they will never really get you out of nowhere. It's all the relationship with Christ and the Holy Spirit and His supernatural power. That is all. There is nothing else in this world.
And I am desperate, I'm at a tipping moment in life where I know God is testing me in this time. It gets so hard for me, No one can understand, everyone is just scared that I have a depression. I know that one little word of complaint, one little act of unfaithfulness, one glance into the world and it's as if I haven't passed that test. That gets me so, I don't even know how to describe it. I guess I'm scared, because I know I have failed already no matter how hard I tried. And a huge confession is that I'm not filled with Him. I feel like such a nothing, I tried so many times, I'm so open, I pray and ask, and I ask for people to lay hands on me and pray, and I proclaim, and now I'm just scared that I have so little faith. that makes me cry. Which is what I'm doing now, which is why I'm not at church. Which is why I think I will quit going to church until I find Him, until I have Him, until I have that burning desire for Him. I don't want to fail this crucial point in my life and than end up living a mediocre little pathetic life for the rest of my life. If that will happen I will just jump off a bridge, to drown while shooting myself in the air.
I know this all might sound pathetic and sad, please, just don't take anything I write here too seriously. I know the end is near, in a good way, I know somethings gonna break open in me, and in everything around me. I know so.
