28th Dec. and parents

Wish I was with my parents in Kiev Ukraine yesterday. It was my dad's birthday, Dec. 28, a special day, and I just wish I was there. They moved into an apartment, a very good one for the record, on the 21st floor, with an interesting view from the window and just everything so interesting. We called them yesterday and sang our hearts out with a happy birthday song to him, and than dad said that 'Rebecca would love it here".
Of course I would.
I woud love to be with them, I would love to learn and watch them, I, unlike so many other people, actually take a huge example from my parents and especially my mom. They're defiantly the coolest and best.
A day is coming, I'm sensing its very soon, when I'll pack up my stuff and be on my way there, I know so, my parents are awaiting for me there already and they told me they need my help, so before Esther and david, I will first go there.
Just have to finish this school up fast. Don't even care how I'll finish, as long as its fast, don't care about the junk they've been teaching lately. I'd rather learn from life experience. Don't think its foolish, just maybe young to think so. I can always go back and re study all of this if I'll need it. ever.

wall of pictures

Sitting here, drinking and eating a cookie...looking at the wall in front of me. Its almost fully covered with pictures. Other than thinking that everywhere we go we end up pasting and putting up pictures everywhere. But other than that I thought I look at what and who is on those pictures.
So many people whom we've made a difference in and they made a difference in us. Mostly our Belarus church people. I miss them.
Humble, sweet, fun, creative people. So self-forsaken and God loving.
Surviving each day with God's grace. How firmly they hang on to God and believe, believe in the Unseen.
Unseen, but not Un-felt. Indeed God is possible to feel. To feel His spirit flooding into ours.
I feel so much peace just sitting here and thinking of those people. Could it be the atmosphere in them captured on picture, being translated through paper and flooding into this room? flooding into me? calming, charming...
Could be, could be...

passion and perseverance repeat

Something that I wrote a few months ago, kinda wanna repeat it, its just so relevant as of today:
"Passion makes people beautiful. I can't stand how much I love it when I see people passionately doing whatever task that they have to do in life. especially music.
God created us to be passionate at all the good, great worthy things we ever have to do. every task.
weather it'd be washing floors, making coffee, planting a tree, picking someone of at the airport, swimming, writing, drumming, rollerblading,  greeting, eating a donut...
At everything.
I just hate to see when people carry it too far. but everything we do and don't do should have balance.
just like perseverance. perseverance is great and good and something we shouldn't over look, but guys, and gals too, please don't carry out your perseverance on each other in hopes of becoming someones significant other. thats where perseverance become aggravating, irrelevant, and just too much. Just like passion. This is not a subject where you have to 'knock and the door will be open, ask and it will be given unto you'
no. you tried 3 times in coming up and chatting, it doesn't roll (especially when 'you-know-who' hints that you're not their type), you drop it and move on.
seriously some people need to get some class, kiss the past and invest in a dictionary." 

just a prisoner of hope

With so much to say I often find myself saying nothing at all. Or too much at times when it would have been wonderful to shut up. 

Belief over misery, reminding myself. pessimism aggravates me..not only in other people, but also and especially in me. 

Prisoners of hope thats what we ought to be. A prisoner of hope..

Pondering...wondering

I come to understand that I know nothing.

Eating a glazed donut. Gulping steaming hot coffee in a crystal cold glass.

I wish I knew what all the days ahead will bring.

arrogance

Can't stand when people tell me I'm arrogant, or rude, or stuck up, or snobbish (although I do appreciate their sincerity...). But I cant stand it, especially when they wrap their little sentence up with 'and people never like those kind of people so..'

And I fully agree with them, I really do. And also I don't see a way out.

When people are treating me like a piece of charity project (like last night) thats my natural and only response; unconsciously.

If only there was a way to control that, and hide whatever piece of arrogance I might have.

 next time I might as well stay home
Except for I also fully realize that, not going anywhere, is impossible.

grateful

Grateful.. No matter how many attempts I have made at so many things and most of them didnt succeed. What I love the most and earnestly try to grasp, doesn't seem to be in my hands currently. And who knows if it will ever be. I try and fail. I take everything too seriously and I can't relax. I care too much about people and their problems. I'm full of so many flaws and I can't to seem to let go.
And still...realizing all of this, I fully am grateful. Not for myself, but for those around me.
For those who unselfishly and full of sincere love set for me an example...without possibly even realizing it. I might just go ahead and say that I'm grateful for the Zink family, for pastor Paul and Sharon Zink. I love them so much, not only for all they had done, and taken us out, and given us the perfect Christmas gifts for as long as I can remember.
I love them for them just being them, the natural amazing people that they are.
They have most defiantly played a major role in my life. And the saddest thing is that words can never describe, never ever describe how much I love them.
And how grateful I really am.

Also I really hate how this whole thought came out sounding, like some kind of Christmas essay. Not what I wanted, but this cold thats freezing my hands makes me just finish this up and, ah who cares if it's perfect or not?
Although I wish it was...

long random thoughts

be prepared, this post might not be uplifting, fun, or cheerful. And I hate that. Because I like happy. I like cheerful. I like joy. No, I love joy.
So this post might not even be worth a read.
And another thing I really can't stand is when people make long dumb intro's into their tiny blogs and posts, really, no one cares.
people tend to care more about themselves, and maybe sometimes, their family, or their other few, three or less, loved ones. But that is it. Than we tend to take it out to impress each other, prove something, stand out, be better.
There are people, and it is very rare, that are so loving, self-denied, but also interesting as individuals and they just treat everyone on the same level, not putting anyone on a pedestal or bringing someone down to  below floor level. Those are rare and few. And I love them, I want to be like them.
Those are usually the people who have lived long and hard. They have learned something throughout decades of years. I truly want to be friends with them, the elderly have something....they have something that we young people shouldn't overlook.
Of course not all elderly. Not all at all. There are some, God forgive me, dumb elderly. Their character, personality, what they have to say, has not at all summed up to their old appearance and experience in life. I don't believe that wisdom comes from experience. Unless we analyze it and bring the hard lesson learned out of it.
This whole post is confusing me. In everything may God's will be done and who am I to judge?
I might be wrong.
Thus much said, I'm off to get ready for work tonight, coming back past midnight, I hope all goes well.

human sculptors

Don't exactly agree with this, would twitch it around, add some, detract some, but mostly this whole thing is truthful, and describes way too many people I know and don't know.

несколько новых новостей

Forgot to remember that it is December already
my left hand has a huge burn from making coffee, on that exact same hand, all my fingers are blistered from guitar and weed pulling.
front yard pretty much clean, alas my guitar isn't coming along as wonderfully
I have learned two songs and I play them as if I've never learned them,
sometimes I wish that we didnt have to put in so much effort to get what we want, love need, to get where we want to be.
school... almost done, this is my last year! Thankfully God gave me a revelation on what to do with my future education, I now am not going crazy wondering about the countless options of what to do with life and work and education. So thank YOU LORD!!!! I'm free indeed:)

this Christmas, this Winter

Can't stop thinking about snow... and cups of chocolate, crackling fires, freezing weather, christmas music, parties, everything that has to do with the holidays and what people tend to do to make it more special than any other October day.
Seeing clearly that, no, thats not what the orphaned (not really) threesome of the Brukhs will be doing this Winter (well at least not me, Esther said she plans on going to parties and celebrating with people). Currently no one is agreeing with me to go to maryland to our relatives and cold snow, it all just hangs around like an idea, or a joke, which soon will be to late to become reality even though our relatives our begging us to come.
But really, what is the whole idea behind winter and Christmas? No I'm not going to grill you like so many elderly people tend to do with the whole idea that 'Christmas is more than just gifts and snow and fun' But I will agree with them fully.
This Christmas will be different, certainly alot less 'celebrating & parties etc.' But certainly alot more love and kindness and selflessness will exist in me than ever before. This season really is all about Jesus, and how He unselfishly and lovingly came to rescue the world. There is so much to say, blogs would never do the job properly.
This isnt the first Christmas without our whole family together. So this isnt anything drastic, like some people tend to think it is. The attention of those worried people is nice, although rather illogical, we're not handicapped 4 year olds begging for bread we're rather mature  enough to take care of ourselves and spend our days doing tons of reasonable work that we would never get to do if Shula was in the way, or parents.
This season will be quite. maybe even some might call it dull, sad.  But personally for me it will be the time to start like never before loving unselfishly. And personally for me, thats rather exciting.

one real friend

This is Esther and I at some place 1 or 2 years ago in Kiev Ukraine.
 I have let the thought of her being my best friend, the one and only, slip through my brains for now. I know, not the most typical thing to do..but
seriously who can be closer other than God and Family, I have discovered that hardly no one, or I just haven't met anyone yet

немного слов с недели

There is something I want to write here..very much. But I know I shouldn't. And So anyway, I won't.
This week has been full of many great things, as well as the most stupidest and illogical.
I still cant get over how people tend to copy, out of all the people,  me, and especially when females attempt to do so, ...lets talk about wanna-be's, a pretty bad title to end up with if you ask me.
God's presence over-whelms me, the only thing that keeps me living, its like a breath of fresh winter air after being locked up in an unconditioned barn all summer. Actually its alot better, My words escape me when I attempt to describe such a thing, no one will ever understand until they experience it.
just the same with kids, no, you will never, ever know what its like unless you have one of your own
I know I sound deprived, I miss Shula, no matter how much I'm enjoying all this time without her.
 its interesting how sometimes we want two completely different things at one time.
its illogical in my case to have so much time, ideas and projects and plus to that live with a baby, such as Shula 24/7 under one roof. that my dear is impossible and I fully realize that
I hate wanting the illogical
and that doesnt just apply with Shula in my case.
and I guess I better stop here

late nights late mornings

last night at 12:00am was my last work day for now. Maybe after Christmas break I will continue again, but for now I will be waiting, hoping and praying that they will call me again and I can earn a penny or two. actually they pay really good and I love them, overlooking their snobyness and arrogance.
and you probably wont ever beleive if I said that its all about baby-sitting and house cleaning, but yep, thats what I have been busied to death with. extremely tired and almost creativity deprived at the end.
coming home from work at 1am isnt the greatest surge of happy feelings, its the long hours of planning what I will be doing ahead is what sparks up my mind and heart once again.
this morning I finally got to talk with parents again after a long time, they are back in Kiev, and somewhere in spring they will come back home to Florida to us and the church , but than we're of once again.
 this time I'm probably heading with them....but that is still a maybe.
Its all in God's Hands and I'm so exuberantly thankful  from  the depths of my soul for the provision that He supplies us here and there.