amazing person

There is this one person at church yesterday, his name is Daniel Mitchell, he's amazing, left us all three speechless and amazed last night. No not because of what he gave, even though that was stunning beyond words, but his kindness, generosity, and sincere love, when he could have found tons of reasons to not do what he did, cause from our part we didnt do much stunningness in his eyes to deserve it, to deserve probably the most vast gift I had ever personally received.
Here it goes again, the effect of aftershock when I think about it, leaving me numb and speechless.
finishing drinking and than going on to do tons of stuff, spray painting today, finally I got to do this project that I've wanted to do, for a long time, probably since I was 3 hah, I can imagine Esther basically taking all the credit for it at the end. but I don't care now.

swaying dry palm trees

Disgusted. Can't stand my blog, such typical little cute phrases that everyone knows and uses. feeling so, brown and dusted and dry.
I'm at this point where I can sit from morning till night staring at the wall in front of me, getting lost, getting not found and than going back to bed.
At least I managed to stuff some radishes and matzo into my bones and skin today, only to remember that radishes and an empty stomach never mixed and never will. drained it all with coffee and no sugar.
Everyone at the house and skype are annoyed by me, telling me to stop being so down and dark. I tell them that I'm in the midst of thinking, I'm not sad, dark ( I never am) not angry, just thoughtful. I can't stand when people tell me I'm sad. Because I'm not, never was, never will be.
Fully understanding that it's all from God, for God, and all going towards Him. everything thats left of me, is in Him, for Him, from within Him, and all going towards Him. I'm made of complete trust. Trust and nothin else, well maybe some love, if there is any left, I wonder. hoping it's there.

tugging

 blurred day today. can't seem to eat for the past 2 days, no desire at all.
have been thinking that I need to move. parents say that somewhere in March they might come here to pick me up, or they will wait till after the summer and after the official start of the ministry. but I've been obsessed with trying to seek out newer options for my moving faster. I don't belong here at this moment. I'm done with school, and that was basically the biggest reason for my stay in Jacksonville, or America altogether. now tis the time to get my butt outta here and to the place that God is tugging my heart towards.

sometimes I wonder if its actually truly God, or my pain, tugging me to move. or plain lack. lack of something which I couldn't and shouldn't mention here, or overall, to anyone for the longest of times.

wishing people

mmm winter jam tonight, the seats we ended up in were amazing, all the band member's heads were an inch away from my toe kicking them in the head, and seeing eye to eye almost all the 10,000 out there (who the heck needs a stage) 
wishing people more uniqueness, especially us Jesus lovers, copying something out there, makes you too pathetic to watch, like mostly all the bands tonight, uh, can I just say I don't listen to music anymore? sad I know, what an amazing example of what to never do.
but I still enjoyed tonight, all experiences are good experiences.

Last day of school

Today is this wonderful day that possibly forever I am done with high school, and the next level of education I will take will be the GED test, than college, or a university, or straight on working.
YES for FREEDOM!!!! Can't explain how excited I am for the next few weeks and months and days. THERE IS SO MUCH to do!!! and the best part is that there is no school to hinder it, to hinder creativity, time, worthless worries, it's all behind.
Now clearly realizing, that what's ahead is much hardships and perseverance, like learning piano notations which my head couldn't ever fit in (but now it will just have to), but knowing that these hardships will bring change, and worth fulness and a step up to accomplishing God's will, I'm plunging in all the way, talking about which, I really, really want to go for a swim.

coals

 the light in the room was perfect, dimmed and orange just like I like it, and the rapid burning fire in the brick chimney was just the perfect touche. 
a black coal caught my attention and leaving the other drawing behind I attempted to scribble away with a coal. it looked interesting... so I mixed up some paints (70% white and 30% green) and in a very refreshing tone outlined some lines in the blackness. wanting to make the drawing fatter, I got a new fat coal from the fire and scribbled to the tune of the music (the best way to draw ever). it looked interesting but I felt like maybe it didn't look as good as it could, so I used the coal again to the loud music. 
in a few minutes I noticed mistakes, so I scribbled some more, than I saw some more mistakes and than it went on and on until I was left with the biggest mistake of all time; just a paper covered 70% in dusty blackness.
of course being raised up to make the best of everything, I fixed it fast into moderne ikea-inspired abstract caractère mignon.
the whole point behind all of this? people, circumstances, situations. mistakes happen and we tend to, or at least I know I do, cover it up and scribble away with the coal, but it all gets worse. why don't we just stop trying to make it all creative and fix it all the time when something happens not as good as we wanted it to be? leaving it the way it is, and in the hands of God, than we wont have these black messy holes and huge mistakes that we than have to lightly summon up all the creativity ever to at least make it understandable.
I confuse myself.

morning

 I don't get my poor writing style and how I can't seem to put my thoughts on paper correctly, just the way they are. January... what a month. and it's only just begun.
I've decided to chase the sun and see who will rise up first, apparently I won and woke up at 4am. It felt wonderful. mornings are beautiful, seeing the sun rise is so tranquil. fires me up for the rest of the day.
working through and reading the book of Ezra...still pondering and writing many points down.
doing many things and hoping and wishing for many things. striving and changing. change is wonderful.

28th Dec. and parents

Wish I was with my parents in Kiev Ukraine yesterday. It was my dad's birthday, Dec. 28, a special day, and I just wish I was there. They moved into an apartment, a very good one for the record, on the 21st floor, with an interesting view from the window and just everything so interesting. We called them yesterday and sang our hearts out with a happy birthday song to him, and than dad said that 'Rebecca would love it here".
Of course I would.
I woud love to be with them, I would love to learn and watch them, I, unlike so many other people, actually take a huge example from my parents and especially my mom. They're defiantly the coolest and best.
A day is coming, I'm sensing its very soon, when I'll pack up my stuff and be on my way there, I know so, my parents are awaiting for me there already and they told me they need my help, so before Esther and david, I will first go there.
Just have to finish this school up fast. Don't even care how I'll finish, as long as its fast, don't care about the junk they've been teaching lately. I'd rather learn from life experience. Don't think its foolish, just maybe young to think so. I can always go back and re study all of this if I'll need it. ever.

wall of pictures

Sitting here, drinking and eating a cookie...looking at the wall in front of me. Its almost fully covered with pictures. Other than thinking that everywhere we go we end up pasting and putting up pictures everywhere. But other than that I thought I look at what and who is on those pictures.
So many people whom we've made a difference in and they made a difference in us. Mostly our Belarus church people. I miss them.
Humble, sweet, fun, creative people. So self-forsaken and God loving.
Surviving each day with God's grace. How firmly they hang on to God and believe, believe in the Unseen.
Unseen, but not Un-felt. Indeed God is possible to feel. To feel His spirit flooding into ours.
I feel so much peace just sitting here and thinking of those people. Could it be the atmosphere in them captured on picture, being translated through paper and flooding into this room? flooding into me? calming, charming...
Could be, could be...

passion and perseverance repeat

Something that I wrote a few months ago, kinda wanna repeat it, its just so relevant as of today:
"Passion makes people beautiful. I can't stand how much I love it when I see people passionately doing whatever task that they have to do in life. especially music.
God created us to be passionate at all the good, great worthy things we ever have to do. every task.
weather it'd be washing floors, making coffee, planting a tree, picking someone of at the airport, swimming, writing, drumming, rollerblading,  greeting, eating a donut...
At everything.
I just hate to see when people carry it too far. but everything we do and don't do should have balance.
just like perseverance. perseverance is great and good and something we shouldn't over look, but guys, and gals too, please don't carry out your perseverance on each other in hopes of becoming someones significant other. thats where perseverance become aggravating, irrelevant, and just too much. Just like passion. This is not a subject where you have to 'knock and the door will be open, ask and it will be given unto you'
no. you tried 3 times in coming up and chatting, it doesn't roll (especially when 'you-know-who' hints that you're not their type), you drop it and move on.
seriously some people need to get some class, kiss the past and invest in a dictionary." 

just a prisoner of hope

With so much to say I often find myself saying nothing at all. Or too much at times when it would have been wonderful to shut up. 

Belief over misery, reminding myself. pessimism aggravates me..not only in other people, but also and especially in me. 

Prisoners of hope thats what we ought to be. A prisoner of hope..

Pondering...wondering

I come to understand that I know nothing.

Eating a glazed donut. Gulping steaming hot coffee in a crystal cold glass.

I wish I knew what all the days ahead will bring.

arrogance

Can't stand when people tell me I'm arrogant, or rude, or stuck up, or snobbish (although I do appreciate their sincerity...). But I cant stand it, especially when they wrap their little sentence up with 'and people never like those kind of people so..'

And I fully agree with them, I really do. And also I don't see a way out.

When people are treating me like a piece of charity project (like last night) thats my natural and only response; unconsciously.

If only there was a way to control that, and hide whatever piece of arrogance I might have.

 next time I might as well stay home
Except for I also fully realize that, not going anywhere, is impossible.

grateful

Grateful.. No matter how many attempts I have made at so many things and most of them didnt succeed. What I love the most and earnestly try to grasp, doesn't seem to be in my hands currently. And who knows if it will ever be. I try and fail. I take everything too seriously and I can't relax. I care too much about people and their problems. I'm full of so many flaws and I can't to seem to let go.
And still...realizing all of this, I fully am grateful. Not for myself, but for those around me.
For those who unselfishly and full of sincere love set for me an example...without possibly even realizing it. I might just go ahead and say that I'm grateful for the Zink family, for pastor Paul and Sharon Zink. I love them so much, not only for all they had done, and taken us out, and given us the perfect Christmas gifts for as long as I can remember.
I love them for them just being them, the natural amazing people that they are.
They have most defiantly played a major role in my life. And the saddest thing is that words can never describe, never ever describe how much I love them.
And how grateful I really am.

Also I really hate how this whole thought came out sounding, like some kind of Christmas essay. Not what I wanted, but this cold thats freezing my hands makes me just finish this up and, ah who cares if it's perfect or not?
Although I wish it was...